Oh. Damn.

[qos]

I've been working on my personal inventory, and found myself writing the following:

I don’t have much fun these days. In fact, part of me isn’t sure I know what “fun” looks like right now. Most of the proposals for activites leave me feeling tired. That could be a health issue [and I have doctor's appointment next week], but it also is probably needing to do a refresh of my options. I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of years and I feel like a lot of my life hasn’t caught up with those changes.

It wasn't all that long ago that I was writing repeated entries here about how I felt like I was in limbo between who I was and who I might become. None of my old stories fit anymore, few of the old archetypes resonated with the meaning on which I was focused. Then some things clicked -- my vocation, love -- and everything else straightened out. Old issues were resolved or released. I had found myself.

And here I am again.
But not quite.

Now I feel like I do know who I am -- but when I look around at my life, I don't see that person reflected. When I think about "things to do" I fall back on lifelong habits and expectations that no longer fit.

There are some deep habits of thought that need changing.

Which, of course, is part of the exericse I'm doing: identifying what changes I need to make.

Comments

[oakmouse]

Changing the deeper attitudes is always the more subtle challenge. They're not as easy to tease out from the background murmur, and they tend to have deeper, more stubborn roots. Think of dandelions; you can have to dig deep for the root, and then if you don't dig deep enough back it comes. If you keep digging, though, then in time you'll get it all.

[royalbananafish.livejournal.com]

Any time you want to come visit, I got a really nice air mattress that both you and the wolfling can share. Except that you can't mind trains. I live right by the trains, and you can hear them.

[qos.livejournal.com]

That would be great!
Maybe next summer?
Or during spring break?

Thanks!