Satisfying Practice Session - Inner Victory

I was not being very faithful with my regular practices for a month or more -- okay, not doing them at all -- but a sharp comment from Ereshkigal finally got my head on straight, and I've been doing them consistently for the past two weeks. For those of you who are new (or have forgotten after my long silence), I'm learning some basic hermetic techniques, the Qabalistic Cross and the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, and also doing a technique by Orion Foxwood called Aligning the 3-Fold Soul and a breathing exercise. I'm supposed to do these every day, without fail. (Although when I got slightly tipsy Saturday night on the anniversary of LM's passing, I was forgiven, given the extenuating circumstances.)

Some evenings I've felt like a little kid going But I don't wanna! -- those times are getting less common as the practices sink in. Last night, however, I felt like I took a significant step forward.

For many years, I've been derailed from my own plans and priorities by strong conflict-related emotions. This doesn't happen very often -- but maybe that's one reason why when it does happen I've been nearly helpless to do anything constructive. There's an adrenaline rush involved and the drama of righteous indignation that's easy for me to get caught up in.

Last night just before practice time, I received an utterly inappropriate, out of line message from a brand new member of another forum that I'm on. I've heard about things like this happening to other women, but in more than fifteen years on the internet, it hadn't happened to me until now. I was appalled. I sent back a crisp, brief lesson in courtesy and told him he was out of line -- and when I got upstairs to do my practice that combative energy was still swirling around me. Most other nights I would have let it dominate everything else, and certainly allow it to distract me from my spiritual work with speculation about whether or not he would write back, if he would apologize or come on harder. . .

Instead, I told myself that this jerk was not going to get in the way of what I truly valued. I did the QC and LBRP -- and found myself calm, centered, and no longer caring about the anonymous oaf.

I went on to do a new energy exercise with LM acting as my inner world partner, and that was challenging but satisfying.

At the end, as I was coming back into normal consciousness, I had the distinct impression of Ereshkigal smiling and saying "Well done" -- and She is not a lady to hand out easy compliments.

It was deeply satisfying on all kinds of levels.

It occurs to me that this may be one of those times the sages speak of when they teach about overcoming the enemy within rather than focusing on an external enemy.

Emotional Eating

Last night I went to another arts event at Wolfling's school. She had directed a little play, and so I attended to see it -- but of course, even though her work was on stage, she herself was not.

As always, it was important for me to be there to show my care and support, but I didn't enjoy much of the evening. I left after her performance, with the plan of returning to pick her up in an hour or so when she called me, so she could enjoy the rest.

As soon as I got in the front door, I wanted to eat.
I was pleased to discover that the new habit of reflecting on the source of my desire -- physical hunger or emotion -- is getting well enough established to make me stop and think before I did anything.

It was all emotional. My stomach wasn't empty. My body didn't need food. But my emotions, which had been gnashing in frustration for the past 45 minutes, wanted satisfaction.

Hopefully in the future I'll have better ways of dealing with such feelings. Last night I felt at a loss. Hard as it is to believe, in retrospect, I couldn't think of anything that could possibly make me feel better but eating.

My compromise choice was to have a few ounces of moist smoked salmon, which satisfied the craving without going overboard. It wasn't the worst food choice in the world, but it was still emotion-fueled eating.

I need to get some strategies in place for times like this.
I feel okay about what happened, since I'm just starting on this process, but the point is to learn from such incidents and make changes, not excuse myself indefinitely.

Kushiel's Mercy

My copy of Kushiel's Mercy arrived this evening!!

It's big and thick and has a luscious picture on the front.

I'm going to try to savor it slowly.
I tore through the last book as fast as I could and regretted it.

I can't wait to get back to Terre d'Ange!