Creating a Mosaic

My spiritual studies definitely progress in a spiral pattern, with one thing being emphasize for a while, reaching a plateau, and then working on something else for a while as the previous elements integrate. The difference between this time of my life and others is that the different pieces are all being absorbed as part of a coherent overall path.

After spending months focusing on sacred sexuality and bdsm for my Pantheacon class, and dealing with the hurt of being written off by Michael as "a worthwhile sacrifice" to his higher priorities, I've been working with ritual magic again. As I've written here before, I've always had an intense resistance to these practices -- but that resistance has slowly been eroding. I'm pretty sure it's not the recommended technique, but I've been simultaneously reading several different books on the subject of ritual magic and Qabalah, with each one giving me a different perspective on the basic principles.

Why does this work for me? Because I have a hard time learning when I'm presented with the detail work first. I need to understand the big picture and guiding principles first, and then I develop the patience with the incremental steps of building applied knowledge through focus and practice on the basics. It helps, of course, that I have a teacher who can answer my questions about what is essential and what is personal choice.

As I told my teacher recently: it's like filling in the pieces of a mosaic. In isolation the bits have little or no meaning, but with enough pieces filled in, I can start to understand the overall design. Focusing on only one book is like filling in just the green pieces, or just the upper left hand corner: it's all part of the design, but quickly loses any sense of meaningfulness for me.

I'm not the easiest person in the world to have as a student.

The books I'm reading right now are "Learning Ritual Magic," "The Magic Tree," "The Disciple's Guide to Ritual Magic" (thanks, lupabitch!), and "The Thursday Night Tarot." The last one is a lovely, conversational guide to the Major Arcana through the lense of Qabalah, and since I'm pretty strong in Tarot, it's kind of reverse engineering for me. And of course these are not the first books on the subject I've read. Like most of us, I have a whole library of magical books -- most of which were never much use to me, but I carry the information from them, and it too is part of the mosaic.

How is all this working for me? Two days ago I drew a diagram of my own circle, elements, guardians, and etc. -- and although I've stood in many circles and cast a few (but not many) of my own, this was the first time I felt like I was truly in touch with the why, what, and who of it. This was the first time I felt the act of casting would have meaning and not just be a rote because-I'm-supposed-to act.

That was a good feeling.

My weekday evenings are focused on study and time with my kid, so I haven't actually done the casting yet -- but I'm looking forward to doing it this weekend.

Hell is Elementary School Pageants

I'm pleased and proud that Wolfling has been carrying on the family tradition and earning high praise from the drama teacher by working backstage on her school's production of Alice in Wonderland.

However: there is a special place in Hell reserved for enthusiastic teachers and PTSA members who create elementary school talent shows that last more than 45 minutes. In this case, the show is two hours long. This doesn't count the 50 minutes prior to the show spent hanging around because with 100 kids in the cast parking is scarce, so I might as well just stay there once I drop her off. And then there's a cast party.

Wolfling wants me to be there and see the show, but she's going to be backstage the entire time. Over the past few years I've come to understand the importance of presence, but it's hard to feel anything but frustrated resentment in this case.