TSW

[qos]

Yesterday afternoon I had a certain amount of 'excitement' in my mundane life around my livelihood, both good and bad. While I can't deny a lift in the adrenaline levels, overall I remained calm and without agitation. After I got off work I had to make a couple of extended stops to deal with the situation, and still had to stop at the grocery store before going home. Despite my hunger, I did not get fast food on the way -- which would have been an automatic reaction a couple of months ago.

I got home, made a quick and simple dinner with Wolfling and watched the end of a movie with her, caught up on LJ, made sure I had the clothes I need for today's job interview (part of the "good" above), then retired early to do my practices.

My practice cycle was far from perfect. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how hard it is for me to hold focus through even the relatively brief Qabalistic Cross, much less a full Middle Pillar -- but I suspect that my intensifying awareness of the lapses is a sign of my overall improvement. I even did my Qabalistic meditation (Netzach, last night).

I did my evening cup ritual with LM, and actually remembered the insights I had over the weekend. Connecting with him felt good, and he was able to give me more insights to integrate. (It's amazing how certain aspects of Swedenborgian theology which I didn't care much about when I was a Swedenborgian are helpful now. . . )

And then I kissed Wolfling goodnight and had my bedroom light turned off by 8:50pm. Instead of lying awake fretting, or jazzing on an adrenline jag (curiously absent), I fell asleep almost immediately and slept deep and hard. This morning I feel rested and grounded.

As my teacher has started to tell me with more frequncy lately: TSW -- This Sh*t Works.

Comments

[oakmouse]

The fact that you're noticing the inability to focus is indeed a good sign. You always had the inability, but you didn't know about it before because you didn't notice it. Now you do. The next step is to want (and I mean really want, as in "Damnit, I WANT TO DO THIS!!!) to improve your focus.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

You're right: I'd been kind of aware of it before, but I've only recently started to *really* notice it -- and be dismayed by it. Previously it had been enough of a challenge just to get through the practices that I was focused primarily on "just showing up" and doing them "as best as I can." I'm finally starting to move beyond that point.

The good news, however, which I forgot to include above, is that I'm starting to focus better during my meditation. That felt very good, especially last night.

In fact, during that place of calm I realized that I need to do some four-fold breaths and center more strongly before I start my first QC, which should help my focus in doing the practices.

[oakmouse]

Is there room for me to not hit the edge of the comment space? Yup, I think so.

*happy dance*

*happy dance*

*happy dance*

[oakmouse]

You have no damn idea how satisfying it is to teach someone who gets it. Although I hope someday you have the pleasure of finding out first hand!

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Hug!