Fail

[qos]

I seriously fucked up last night.

I had made a commitment to both Ereshkigal and LM that I would dedicate several hours of quality time to them, but it didn't happen.

Eventually I realized what time it was.
Eventually I gathered my wits and collected my focus.
Eventually I made an offering of myself, which was accepted -- but there was more of a feeling of duty to it (on their side as well as mine) than the mutual joy and delight that I had intended.

When I went to sleep afterward, I dreamed that I was vacationing in LM's least favorite place on earth, and that I dropped and lost one of the earrings that were his favorites when he was alive.

I've felt like shit all morning.

Ereshkigal is remote, reserved. She's not the smiting type, but if I'm not holding up my end of the relationship She doesn't batter down my door either. She hasn't abandoned me utterly, but by removing Herself to a distance, She lets me know that I need to shape up.

I feel especially sick about LM. It was hard to approach his altar a little while ago to do my morning devotions. I felt guilty, ashamed, unworthy. He didn't deny his disappointment in me nor his desire that I do better in the future -- but he did hold out one piece of reassurance that had never occurred to me before: You are trying to maintain a relationship that you could never have imagined a couple of years ago. There was nothing in your life that could have prepared you for this. I need you to not give up, to keep working at it -- and I promise that I will not give up on you.

It brought me to tears.

a_belletrist is going to be here in a few minutes to do an important ritual with me. After that, I need to approach Ereshkigal and LM again. Even if I don't manage the more elaborate devotions I had planned for last night, I need to spend some focused time with them.

I was browsing books online this morning and saw one called Wasting Time with God -- or something like that it. It was about how dedicating the time to develop a more intimate, mystical, personal relationship with God can look like "wasting time" on the outside. You would think I would know better, but I keep losing track of that. I also feel like I need to develop more personal rituals, to give some shape and structure to my devotional time. I'm just not sure how to do that yet.

Part of me wants to offer some kind of penance for last night, but the other part of me knows that's not the answer. Penance is no substitute for tender, open-hearted presence and attentiveness. For loving companionship. That's what I denied all of us last night. For someone like me, in a situation like this, penance would be more masturbatory than meaningful.

Comments

[anax-anarkhos.livejournal.com]

You only fail if you fail to try.

[stiobhanrune.livejournal.com]

"For someone like me, in a situation like this, penance would be more masturbatory than meaningful."

Out of all of the stuff you were writing about here, this is the part which touched me most deeply. That's a very wise assessment, and it's one that I'm very familiar with. Being able to recognize that moment, when you realize that you're simply indulging your own internal state rather than actually offering genuine honor and sacred time... that's really awesome, hon.

I've had to do that recently with my own gods. I've been working on ways to deepen my relationship with the spirits of my coven, and I sat there for about four hours trying to "think" of ways to do that. It was only after I stopped, looked out and up and asked them in frustration, "How do I even DO this?" that I even heard their response.

Which was, appropriately enough, snide and pointed. "What relationship? You don't even know our names!"

Oops.

LOL

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the affirmation, Rune.


As for your own experience: I know it's easy for me to fall into the trap of trying to figure out what I should do rather than ask the gods and then listen.

[blessed-harlot.livejournal.com]

I have a question I want to ask, and I hope it reads as being with the upmost respect.

I don't want to tread on the delicacy of this particular moment. Your devotional style is very different from mine, and the emotional journey involved is a bit foreign to me. But there's one part of your description of your relationship to Erishkigal that is always very difficult to hear. It's the deliberate distancing on Her part. Whether I'm meeting a more mundane obstacle to my work or something of greater depth that makes me feel lost or confused, that is precisely when I hope for and find my God to be closer to me, not further away. That's true especially when I'm the obstacle. It's not only about needing help, but about feeling trust and comfort in the relationship. The disciplinary distancing that you describe, from my perspective, feels harsh, perfectionistic and like a condition on the relationship. I just... I'm not sure what to do with that. Is that necessary to your work? Is that something that feeds you? Am I missing something important? I'm wondering if this points to a basic difference in how we relate to the divine.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

That's a valid and important question, one which deserves its own post in response.

I probably won't be able to do it today, but will do so as soon as I can.

Thank you for asking.

[bettywithin.livejournal.com]

You really are quite blessed to be able to perceive all of the energies and emotions that emanate from the Unseen. It shapes and guides your practice. You are hard on yourself when you've let Ereshkigal, LM, or others down, but the important thing is that you know you've done it, and that you choose to act in response. If there is one thing I'm envious of, it's your ability to perceive. Don't ever take for granted how skilled you are in that respect.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you. . . However for every entry about perception I make there are days and days when I feel mostly blind and deaf where the inner is concerned. All I can do is keep pushing forward, despite my failures and setbacks, trusting that I *am* making progress.