The Missing Piece: The Erotic

[qos]

One of the more interesting conversations I've had with my therapist has been around the topic of my feelings about engaging in regular exercise or active recreational pursuits. The fact is, I simply haven't had an emotional connection to it -- and this kind of boggled my therapist. In fact, I got the impression that she's never before run into anyone who didn't have anything that was important to them that could be emotionally tied to fitness in a meaningful way.

For most of my life, my only desire to engage in exercise was motived by an intellectual understanding that it was An Important Thing to Do -- and while I enjoyed the positive results when I did it consistently, the satisfaction wasn't deep enough to be an ongoing motivator when stacked up against time and energy commitments to other things -- or outweigh simple inertia, sad to say.

But this morning, I want to dance more. I want to continue ballroom dancing classes and be able to get out on the floor during dance parties and have fun dancing well to a variety of music. I want to get out the short stack of bellydancing DVD's and books and do that too. I want to explore Nia and get some muscle in my moves.

The missing piece? The Erotic.

Erotic is one of those words that can be defined multiple ways, but for me it means "energy connection and exchange with the Other". That's what I've been achingly missing since my loss of LM & Michael, and that's what I found -- in a much lower key but still real way -- last night on the dance floor, particularly with Jeremy.

My body has very little meaning or interest to me unless it's serving as a way for me to connect with another human being in an erotic way. Not necessarily a sexual way, but a way that involves energy touching, interacting. And because my mind is extremely erotic, I can have an erotic encounter without my body being involved in an overt way. Last night with Jeremy there was no sexual energy in our dancing, but the act of maintaining "tone" in our connection, moving our bodies together in harmony, following his lead, was definitely erotic.

One reason that bellydance hasn't "done it" for me in the past is that whether I'm doing it alone or in a class, it's a solitary activity, one in which my energy has never engaged with another's. I know that this exchange is possible, that others experience it, but there hasn't been enough in those first stages to get me past them. Maybe now that this aspect of myself is becoming more clear to my conscious mind, I'll be able to work with it in a positive way rather than just react on an instinctive level.


I strongly believe that this tipping point is being reached as a consequence of my spiritual practices, and specifically my recent message from Ereshkigal that I need to let go of a particular behavior pattern and replace it with something healthier, with Inanna's assistance. I was expecting some hard work, but it may be that my willingness to say "yes" has allowed for a lot to be done without my conscious need to struggle.

I'm not saying that I'm going to declare the issue resolved. This is all very fresh and exciting and new, and it's going to be meaningless unless I'm able to maintain it over time. But it's a delightful turn of events. I feel like I'm being taken care of.

Comments

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I just went and finally uploaded this particular icon so I could respond using it... (owa tagee kiam)

made of win and awesome. Yeah, the "I should exercise" line just is me giving myself guilty feelings...

but I Wanna Dance and move and be stronger has none of that - it is much more JOY...

I am so happy for you.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[watcher457.livejournal.com]

Thank you for taking the effort with the icon. it is very lovely.

[watcher457.livejournal.com]

wow. I'm glad you found that connection. Good for you! I have a similar and yet very different problem. I'm an in-my-head kind of person as well, so while I want to be slimmer, it doesn't motivate me enough to get up. I love to move and to dance, but unless I'm taking a class, I can't make myself do it. I used to do both bellydancing and African dance, since it was so much fun, but that ended for various reasons and now I'm having trouble getting started back up again.

I like bellydancing simply because it is for myself and for me. I am so not an erotic person. I like connecting to people, but I'm very timid about giving another that kind of power to hurt me, so I am very careful about how I do it, and I don't like to do it physically. I kind of long for the erotic.

i'm glad you enjoyed your class so much and are so excited!

[jcalanthe]

Congratulations! It's wonderful to hear you making progress on this front.