Descent

[qos]

I have to go down so deep I can't even see the path.

All I have are the practices: more consistent, more focused, more present.

To move forward, I must stand in my room and turn in circles.


I have to risk what I have always considered to be the greatest sin: claiming my full powers and abilities. And not just what I already acknowledge, however reluctantly, but potentials that send me skittering back in denial from even the suggestion they exist, as if the very mention is a precipice that crumbles beneath my feet. Even now, I want to delete this paragraph. Who am I to claim that I have power? How dare I entertain such a delusion, such arrogance?


Funny. . . I go back and re-read those words -- delusion, arrogance -- I can almost see the face of a vengeful man spitting them at me. Not someone from this lifetime.

Even further back. . . the snow comes down: a deadly, inexorable, freezing blanket. It is so much more powerful than I am: vast and indifferent and overwhelming. It will cover me and leave no trace. I will vanish, as if I never was. When the thaw comes, my corpse will feed the ravens, be nibbled away by small scavenging creatures. My flesh will be consumed and my bones will be broken and ground back into the earth. My spirit lingers above, hovering on the winds. My people, my husband, my children. . . I will return.

What was I seeking, out alone beyond the safe boundaries of the community?


I was sent to bed half an hour ago.
I should go. . .

Comments

[rainstardragon.livejournal.com]

Good luck with this, and moving past that gate guardian, that old man challenging and belittling you. He has only what power over you that you give him, though I know you already know this. Not much that I can say, but you have my support, though it ultimately means little as it is your own journey. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as it always reminds me when I read your journal that though I am alone... I'm also not.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought of the man as a gate guardian, and your reminder that he has only as much power as I give him is very welcome. I'm still new at some of these ideas, some of these challenges.

Your support means a great deal, and I appreciate it.

[watcher457.livejournal.com]

that's a very strong impulse sometimes, the fear of power. i have that happen a lot. who am i that i should claim a power such as this? that you question this is good, because it means you're humble and won't abuse the power.

thank you for sharing this. i never know what to say to things like this.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the affirmations.

[oakmouse]

"The way is crackin' open. Things are beginnin' to surface. Good."

*hugs* from both of us.