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qosI have to go down so deep I can't even see the path.
All I have are the practices: more consistent, more focused, more present.
To move forward, I must stand in my room and turn in circles.
I have to risk what I have always considered to be the greatest sin: claiming my full powers and abilities. And not just what I already acknowledge, however reluctantly, but potentials that send me skittering back in denial from even the suggestion they exist, as if the very mention is a precipice that crumbles beneath my feet. Even now, I want to delete this paragraph. Who am I to claim that I have power? How dare I entertain such a delusion, such arrogance?
Funny. . . I go back and re-read those words -- delusion, arrogance -- I can almost see the face of a vengeful man spitting them at me. Not someone from this lifetime.
Even further back. . . the snow comes down: a deadly, inexorable, freezing blanket. It is so much more powerful than I am: vast and indifferent and overwhelming. It will cover me and leave no trace. I will vanish, as if I never was. When the thaw comes, my corpse will feed the ravens, be nibbled away by small scavenging creatures. My flesh will be consumed and my bones will be broken and ground back into the earth. My spirit lingers above, hovering on the winds. My people, my husband, my children. . . I will return.
What was I seeking, out alone beyond the safe boundaries of the community?
I was sent to bed half an hour ago.
I should go. . .
All I have are the practices: more consistent, more focused, more present.
To move forward, I must stand in my room and turn in circles.
I have to risk what I have always considered to be the greatest sin: claiming my full powers and abilities. And not just what I already acknowledge, however reluctantly, but potentials that send me skittering back in denial from even the suggestion they exist, as if the very mention is a precipice that crumbles beneath my feet. Even now, I want to delete this paragraph. Who am I to claim that I have power? How dare I entertain such a delusion, such arrogance?
Funny. . . I go back and re-read those words -- delusion, arrogance -- I can almost see the face of a vengeful man spitting them at me. Not someone from this lifetime.
Even further back. . . the snow comes down: a deadly, inexorable, freezing blanket. It is so much more powerful than I am: vast and indifferent and overwhelming. It will cover me and leave no trace. I will vanish, as if I never was. When the thaw comes, my corpse will feed the ravens, be nibbled away by small scavenging creatures. My flesh will be consumed and my bones will be broken and ground back into the earth. My spirit lingers above, hovering on the winds. My people, my husband, my children. . . I will return.
What was I seeking, out alone beyond the safe boundaries of the community?
I was sent to bed half an hour ago.
I should go. . .
