Distinctions
Sep. 22nd, 2009 09:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosFor almost two and a half years now, my "best" alternative to pain has been numbness. I have not been entirely without pleasure or happiness, but they have been comparatively rare -- and have often been "paid for" with an intensification of pain in the aftermath. Numbness has been safer.
But of course that hasn't been entirely clear to me. I've been functioning emotionally on a rather primitive level: deep in pain or avoiding pain -- and numbness has often been preferrable to brief or shadowed pleasure.
Except that now I'm slowly waking up to the fact that numbness is not the same as pleasure, nor happiness, nor satisfaction, nor relaxation. . . and I'm missing those feelings, those experiences.
I'm missing them enough that I might be ready to face experiencing them without Him here to share them with me.
And almost ready to not feel guilty about it.
But of course that hasn't been entirely clear to me. I've been functioning emotionally on a rather primitive level: deep in pain or avoiding pain -- and numbness has often been preferrable to brief or shadowed pleasure.
Except that now I'm slowly waking up to the fact that numbness is not the same as pleasure, nor happiness, nor satisfaction, nor relaxation. . . and I'm missing those feelings, those experiences.
I'm missing them enough that I might be ready to face experiencing them without Him here to share them with me.
And almost ready to not feel guilty about it.
