Putting It *That* Way

[qos]

As I indicated in my last entry, my therapist and I have been digging into the roots of why it's so difficult for me to "put myself out there" with my spiritual direction practice and associated activities, even though I've been getting nothing but positive affirmations on my path and my insights for years.

A few minutes ago I realized this: It's hard to be open and authentic in a fully public forum when your areas of specialty are three things usually not talked about in serious/respectable polite society: religion, sex, and death.

The fact that my specialities within religion and sex are firmly rooted in the "alternative" category makes it even more fraught.



I finally made a Facebook page last week, and like everyone else who does Facebook I quickly reconnected with old friends from high school and college. In my case, this includes two of my best girlfriends from high school -- both of whom seem to be very firmly rooted in the same Christian spirituality we all held growing up. I talk with one of them every year or so, and I haven't had more than three contacts with the other since leaving college. And yet, when I imagine being more honest about my life on my "About Me" note -- even the relatively tame version, I immediately imagine those two women being horrified and rejecting me.

Why should it matter after all these years? And why do I assume the worst instead of giving them credit for reacting in a positive -- or even neutral -- way? Why should the opinions of two women who were once dear friends but who haven't been substantively part of my life for more than two decades weigh more strongly with me than being authentic about the person I am today?

I just deleted several paragraphs as none of it was new or particularly insightful.

The question stands and needs to be addressed.

Comments

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

If you intend to use your Facebook account to connect with personal and professional acquaintances, it is wise to filter what you put out there for the whole world to see. There is no rule that says you must put everything about yourself and your vocation out there for general consumption. In fact, it is usually wise to carefully choose what to share in such a forum and what to keep closer to yourself.

[watcher457.livejournal.com]

Because humans are fragile beings, darling. The thing about most alternative religions is that you are pretty much the only one practicing it. Sure, there are probably quite a few people who worship and commit themselves to Ereshkigal, but none of them do it in the exact way you do. It's not like Christianity, where there is dogma and structure to tell you what you need to do on different days of the week. There is but the Goddess (or God, depending) who tells you what She wants, and She doesn't want the same things from you that She does from another because you're an individual with your own unique talents.

As such, it's sometimes (often) hard to hear criticism about the way one worships. No one else does it your way, so how do you know you're doing it right? I know there is no right or wrong, but that self-doubt creeps in regardless. Because you're alone and fragile as all humans are, even the casual comment of, "Oh, you're into that, huh?" can be disheartening and painful.

No one wants to feel the pain of being rejected. It's natural to protect yourself like that. Just do what makes you feel comfortable and remember that there are those who love you just the way you are and support you like that. They are the ones who matter.

I really hope that didn't come across as fluffy or preachy. *blushes*

[qos.livejournal.com]

Not at all fluffy or preachy. Those are good reminders.

[neversremedy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know how hard it is to be fully open, especially with people who we are vulnerable to, but I know that opportunities and environments will present themselves to allow you to practice giving authentic voice to who you really are.

And thank you, btw, you reminded me that there's one friend I hadn't looked up on Facebook, and lo! I found her in one try. I'm swooning all over again at how wonderful she is.

[spring-heel-jim.livejournal.com]

" It's hard to be open and authentic in a fully public forum when your areas of specialty are three things usually not talked about in serious/respectable polite society: religion, sex, and death. "

Hell, yes. Three of my favourite subjects, right there...

[qos.livejournal.com]

*grin

Yeah. . .

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

Old habits die hard. If you were raised and went through your young life in an environment of "nice girls should. . .[fill in the blank]," then opinions others had of you - particularly your friends - mattered to you very much.

I see those kinds of moments and thoughts as the spirit's way of yanking me into the present, and saying, "But you're not done yet."

[mankycat.livejournal.com]

Perhaps these two past friends are a reminder of the person you were. It's like that little bit of you is resurfacing, with it's old trends and feelings. We all have that to a degree. That's why running into exes can be so hard or off-putting for many people.

It took a long time for me to finally understand that with one particular ex, the feelings I thought I had was for the "boy he was" and not the "man he became". That revelation came after a very odd but insightful dream.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Separating who a person is from who they were is definitely a challenge!

In this situation it's complicated by my not being all that aware of who these women are now.

[mankycat.livejournal.com]

That's the other half of the equation.

The "past you" remembers them as they were too.

Sometimes it's unnerving when you realize that those people are exactly how you remember. I ran into that years ago with some old highschool buddies. I felt completely out of place because I wasn't the same as I once was. heh heh.