Dream: Ill-Prepared for Battle

[qos]

Last night's dreams culminated in a sequence in which I tried to prepare a completely novice group of women for a battle. By the end of the dream it was an SCA war, but I can't remember now if it started out that way.

I had a relatively small group, perhaps a dozen or so people to educate, organize, and lead -- and I was utterly unable to do my job. The primary group splintered into little sub-groups, each of which was absorbed in its own conversations, most of which had nothing to do with the preparation for battle. Every time I tried to get them all together, something in our conditions shifted, so we had to move, or someone new came in. . . and everything fell apart again. (Hurm. Sounds like my own mind being unable to focus and constantly getting distracted from my primary goals by irrelevances.)

I think my Ex-husband (with whom I took the field in SCA battles on more than one occasion) was on the other side, but there were at least three parties to the conflict.

The beginning of the battle was soon upon us, and I frantically tried to arm my warriors -- only to realize that many of them had real weapons, not SCA fighter weapons. I was hurrying up and down the line, trying to explain to each woman that she could not actually strike with those weapons.

Finally someone -- I think it was pathdancer -- called to me that the battle was about to start. I hurried to my place in line to find that one of my "fighters" had tried to be helpful and had brought me my sword -- but it was the real sword I bought in the summer of 2007, not an SCA sword, and there was no time to run back and exchange it.

I was about to enter a recreational combat with a real weapon, and I was angry at myself for not being better prepared, angry at the person who'd tried to help me by bringing the wrong weapon, and angry that I was about to fail as a fighter and a leader because I couldn't strike without doing harm.


Which all resonates very strongly with the non-rational fears which I believe are part of the reason why I continue to struggle turning my vocational practice into actual work. Except, as I type this, I realize that when I touch those fears while I'm awake, I perceive that there is a threat of harm to me if I pursue them. The dream suggests that I'm actually afraid that I'm unfit to lead and that if I actually use my gifts I'll bring harm to others.

The last bit immediately brings up memories of 'learning' at a very young age that answering all the questions in class made me a "show-off" and I needed to be considerate of the feelings of others, give them a chance to respond too. As far as I can presently discern, that's the root of my inhibition about stepping up and offering my gifts to the world: that somehow my letting my light shine will intimidate others or make them uncomfortable.

Somehow I need to learn the lesson from the Marianne Williamson quote which a_belletrist posted last week. I always remember the opening line: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

What I forget is the closing lines:

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I experience this frequently in the presence of others who have allowed their gifts to shine. But I have not yet internalized it for myself.

My gifts are not a threat to those around me.

And while it is within the realm of possibility that I could cause harm to someone if I made a major error during a spiritual direction session, it's actually unlikely that my mistakes in a session or classroom will actually hurt anyone.

Is that what I need to look at more deeply?

Comments

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

These musings and memories resonate with me, too, in some ways. I will ponder this.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reflecting back to me what you've been seeing. It's a very helpful affirmation.

[featheredfrog.livejournal.com]

we likes the inverted icon, too.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Some days I feel like my rationality fails me, and/or my sword is stuck in the ground -- or I've turned it against myself.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

There were times in my life that I held myself back. It took a while for me to be conscious of it and it was an intuitive reader that helped me become aware that I had been. If I thought she was wrong I would have disregarded the info. But she was not.
I had "reasons" to hold myself back from growing. It doesn't matter what the reason is, it's simply not good enough. Least that's what I decided. The "reason" probably isn't real anyway.
And I watch myself now to make sure I don't come up with another "reason".

What if there's nothing to fear?

You are not responsible for others growth though you may be able to help others with their permission.
You are responsible for your growth.

Even the errors teach us. It's all good, and worth being willing.

I'm glad you're coming aware of this now. :)