Hamsters, Death, and Mendacity
Jun. 1st, 2004 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosWe had A Major Traumatic Event at my household yesterday morning.
First: the cast. You are already familiar with the Ex, the Ex's God-daughter and her Six Year-Old Son, all of whom live upstairs. Ex also has some friends who come up every Memorial Day weekend for a festival here in town. VD - the visiting daughter - is approximately the same age as my daughter, The Little Princess, who is eight.
GreatGodson has a hamster. Had a hamster. Sunday afternoon, against the explicit advice of his mother, he and Visiting Daughter took the hamster into the backyard to play. (TLP, according to all later testimony, was not participating in this activity, but spending her time lying in the sun in her new pink bikini and sunglasses. That's a whole other entry.)
Late Sunday night, when TLP came down to bed, she told me that the hamster had "sprained his ankles" and couldn't use his hind legs. I found this dismaying, but it never remotely occured to me that the Mother of the Hamster Owner was not aware of the situation. It was also past 11pm, I had already gone to bed, and was not inclined to worry about whatever might be going on upstairs. Ordinarily, this is an excellent policy: ex-spouses not inquiring too closely into the inner workings of each other's households.
All hell broke loose on Monday morning. The Goddaughter came out of her room to find the hamster in his cage in the living room paralyzed and lying in its own excrement. When she asked the three children what had happened, she received a complete set of wide-eyed "I Don't Know's".
Goddaughter - understandably - hit the roof.
I was not privy to the first-hand testimony that followed, but it as I understand it, the VD had fallen on the hamster, apparently breaking its back. I have no idea what either she or the Great-Godson thought was wrong. But the Goddaughter was livid that no one had come to tell her the hamster had been hurt. My daughter was somewhat off the hook for not having been part of the actual incident, but the Goddaughter was upset at her too for not coming to tell what she knew.
I heard about the details when the Goddaughter came downstairs to get some clean clothes out of the laundry, and she delivered an outburst to me. It seems that they were getting ready to take the kids to a birthday party. My response was, "They shouldn't be going to a birthday party after this." I called the Ex downstairs for a Grownup Summit and we thrashed through it. Out of the presence of the kids, the Goddaughter let loose and was raving. She wanted to tan her son's hide - and everyone else's too - but my Ex managed to convince her that she was too angry to provide authentic discipline rather than simply venting her own anger. She didn't want to listen to him at first, but he's pretty good at holding firm on some things and talking people down.
He spent time with the kids then, hamster in his arms, and talked quietly with them until they broke down and spilled the whole story. He explained the consequences of what they had each done and by the time he was done they were all in tears. VD took responsibility for the accident. (I remain angry at her parents for not doing more to make amends. Obviously a life, even a little furry one, can not be replaced, but they didn't do much more than offer a perfunctory apology on their daughter's behalf.)
My daughter stayed downstairs with me all afternoon - a combination of being grounded and being scared of the Goddaughter. Goddaughter didn't lay a hand on any of the children, including her own son, but she's a tall, big girl with a very loud voice and I can easily understand why my daughter got scared. We don't yell in this house and God-daughter was yelling. For her, it was self-control, because she comes from a background where hitting is normal. The Goddaughter came downstairs later and talked more quietly to my daughter, telling her she knew that she hadn't done anything to hurt the hamster but she was disappointed and hurt that The Child had not come to her. "You're smarter than both of the other kids put together. You should have known better." I made sure my daughter had the chance to speak her piece, which she did: explaining tearfully that she hadn't realized the hamster was hurt that badly and that she thought her friend had told his mother. Unfortunately, the Goddaughter was in no state to properly acknowledge that, nor to accept or truly acknowledge my daughter's apology.
The Child and I went to my parents' house that evening for a previously scheduled dinner and spending-the-night, which was just as well. Tonight the out-of-town guests are gone from upstairs and the rest of us will be having a backyard barbecue to try to normalize things. Evidently the Ex had a very long walk and talk with the Goddaughter yesterday afternoon and helped her work through a lot of her fury -- not all of which was directed at the kids, of course. She has issues of her own to process.
All in all, it was one of those No Fun incidents that I'm sure my daughter will remember for a long time. It's been a valuable chance to help her deal with issues of honesty and fear, and teaching about different ways people handle anger, and how we deal with it when people are angry at us. She's mostly back to normal now, but still wary of the Goddaughter. I'm currently working on how to honor her fear while reassuring her that she is not in any danger.
If I thought for a moment that the Goddaughter did in any way pose a threat, either she would be out of the house or my daughter and I would be.
First: the cast. You are already familiar with the Ex, the Ex's God-daughter and her Six Year-Old Son, all of whom live upstairs. Ex also has some friends who come up every Memorial Day weekend for a festival here in town. VD - the visiting daughter - is approximately the same age as my daughter, The Little Princess, who is eight.
GreatGodson has a hamster. Had a hamster. Sunday afternoon, against the explicit advice of his mother, he and Visiting Daughter took the hamster into the backyard to play. (TLP, according to all later testimony, was not participating in this activity, but spending her time lying in the sun in her new pink bikini and sunglasses. That's a whole other entry.)
Late Sunday night, when TLP came down to bed, she told me that the hamster had "sprained his ankles" and couldn't use his hind legs. I found this dismaying, but it never remotely occured to me that the Mother of the Hamster Owner was not aware of the situation. It was also past 11pm, I had already gone to bed, and was not inclined to worry about whatever might be going on upstairs. Ordinarily, this is an excellent policy: ex-spouses not inquiring too closely into the inner workings of each other's households.
All hell broke loose on Monday morning. The Goddaughter came out of her room to find the hamster in his cage in the living room paralyzed and lying in its own excrement. When she asked the three children what had happened, she received a complete set of wide-eyed "I Don't Know's".
Goddaughter - understandably - hit the roof.
I was not privy to the first-hand testimony that followed, but it as I understand it, the VD had fallen on the hamster, apparently breaking its back. I have no idea what either she or the Great-Godson thought was wrong. But the Goddaughter was livid that no one had come to tell her the hamster had been hurt. My daughter was somewhat off the hook for not having been part of the actual incident, but the Goddaughter was upset at her too for not coming to tell what she knew.
I heard about the details when the Goddaughter came downstairs to get some clean clothes out of the laundry, and she delivered an outburst to me. It seems that they were getting ready to take the kids to a birthday party. My response was, "They shouldn't be going to a birthday party after this." I called the Ex downstairs for a Grownup Summit and we thrashed through it. Out of the presence of the kids, the Goddaughter let loose and was raving. She wanted to tan her son's hide - and everyone else's too - but my Ex managed to convince her that she was too angry to provide authentic discipline rather than simply venting her own anger. She didn't want to listen to him at first, but he's pretty good at holding firm on some things and talking people down.
He spent time with the kids then, hamster in his arms, and talked quietly with them until they broke down and spilled the whole story. He explained the consequences of what they had each done and by the time he was done they were all in tears. VD took responsibility for the accident. (I remain angry at her parents for not doing more to make amends. Obviously a life, even a little furry one, can not be replaced, but they didn't do much more than offer a perfunctory apology on their daughter's behalf.)
My daughter stayed downstairs with me all afternoon - a combination of being grounded and being scared of the Goddaughter. Goddaughter didn't lay a hand on any of the children, including her own son, but she's a tall, big girl with a very loud voice and I can easily understand why my daughter got scared. We don't yell in this house and God-daughter was yelling. For her, it was self-control, because she comes from a background where hitting is normal. The Goddaughter came downstairs later and talked more quietly to my daughter, telling her she knew that she hadn't done anything to hurt the hamster but she was disappointed and hurt that The Child had not come to her. "You're smarter than both of the other kids put together. You should have known better." I made sure my daughter had the chance to speak her piece, which she did: explaining tearfully that she hadn't realized the hamster was hurt that badly and that she thought her friend had told his mother. Unfortunately, the Goddaughter was in no state to properly acknowledge that, nor to accept or truly acknowledge my daughter's apology.
The Child and I went to my parents' house that evening for a previously scheduled dinner and spending-the-night, which was just as well. Tonight the out-of-town guests are gone from upstairs and the rest of us will be having a backyard barbecue to try to normalize things. Evidently the Ex had a very long walk and talk with the Goddaughter yesterday afternoon and helped her work through a lot of her fury -- not all of which was directed at the kids, of course. She has issues of her own to process.
All in all, it was one of those No Fun incidents that I'm sure my daughter will remember for a long time. It's been a valuable chance to help her deal with issues of honesty and fear, and teaching about different ways people handle anger, and how we deal with it when people are angry at us. She's mostly back to normal now, but still wary of the Goddaughter. I'm currently working on how to honor her fear while reassuring her that she is not in any danger.
If I thought for a moment that the Goddaughter did in any way pose a threat, either she would be out of the house or my daughter and I would be.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-06-01 08:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-06-01 10:40 pm (UTC)