Moving Toward the Sun

[qos]

It's raining gently here -- a lovely change from the brutal heat of the past few days. I was happy to not have a hood or umbrella coming back from lunch, just taking in the feel of the rain on my skin.

As I walked, I felt like I was newly in the world again, newly open -- and I felt a sudden twinge of guilt and resistance.

Survivor's guilt is a tough thing. No matter how many times I come back to the intellectual knowledge that it's okay for me to heal -- that it's *necessary* for me to heal -- there is still something that feels wrong, feels traitorous, about it. Taking this latest step in coming back to life I have that feeling of treason more intensely than ever -- because I'm taking a much bigger, more conscious step than before.

During most of the past year the grieving/healing process has been slow and gradual. In contrast, I've processed a lot of ground over the past couple of days: first acknowledging a deeper grief than I'd been consciously in touch with and then consciously striving toward the upper world again.

Just walking half a block in the rain today I felt almost Persephone-like. Did she feel guilty, feel like a traitor to her husband, when she breathed fresh air again, felt the sunlight and rain again, and rejoiced? I wouldn't be surprised.

It's another stretch of both/and for me: learning to enjoy living again *and* loving and being in relationship with my husband in the otherworld.

Comments

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

We all die sooner or later. It doesn't make sense to spend the time embodied racked with guilt for being here because some aren't. It's a gift. We are asked to receive it.
Why wait to live? There is no time but now, only now can you fully live.

You may find that being here is more than you expected it to be.

Blessings. :)