the Shadow vs. The Dark Side

[qos]

People talk about their "shadow" sides and their "dark" sides -- usually as if they were synonymous. But it occurred to me recently that I don't think they are.

Our Shadows are the parts of ourselves we repress -- but we don't repress only the negative aspects of ourselves. Sometimes we repress our strengths because we're afraid of the consequences of expressing them. Some time ago I posted here about my "glorious shadow": the positive parts of myself I've restrained out of excessive modesty or insecurity or because I was informed in some way that they were threatening to others. Charisma, personal power, ambition, confidence/pride, creativity, and sexuality are all things that can become "shadow" aspects of a person if we don't feel able - for whatever reason - to give them full expression in our lives. Anger can become part of our Shadow if we have legitimate feelings that we squash rather than find appropriate outlets for, or are able to consciously register and then let go of.

The Dark Side is different. The Dark Side is those parts of us that we really do want to overcome and control: the impulses to hatred, greed, cruelty, nastiness, as well as the fear and anger that stop being legitimate self-defense reactions to danger or abuse and become justifications for harming others.

I've been working lately on trying to untangle my Shadow Side from my Dark Side. As I've been looking at it, the things I've repressed into my Shadow are often things that I've labeled "bad" -- often in response to my perceptions of social expectations. They aren't necessarily Dark Side, but I've regarded them as Dark Side.

Sometimes, of course, the line between Shadow and Dark side is hard to discern, especially around anger.

I feel like there's a black box inside me that's full of tangled threads of emotions and qualities. The box is labeled "Bad - Do Not Open". But I *need* to open it up and sort out the threads to recover those that should be placed over in the box that says "Gifts - Use and Express Fully".

Comments

[qos.livejournal.com]

When I really stop to think about it, I am convinced that I was never self-aware enough to "struggle with the fear". There must have been some kind of fear there to prompt the internal judgement and sublimination, but it wasn't a conscious struggle.

Thinking back, the fear seems to have been two-fold: 1. intimidating others, and 2. failure. If I didn't try to flex those potential strengths, I wouldn't succeed and alienate others or fail and fall flat on my face.

My "bad person" struggle has been over boundaries and self-centeredness, ie: being centered in myself instead of someone else who wanted me to be centered on them. My marriage and its ending brought all that up to the surface. It didn't help that my Ex is "teflon man": very few of our mutual friends could imagine that he could be anything but a dream to be with, and consequently only the most self-centered bitch could not be content with such a generous, loving, patient soul as a husband.

When we moved into the duplex together, a lot of people assumed it was my idea, my way of continuing to benefit from his income without having to actually "do" anything in return. It was actually his idea, for our daughter's sake, but I was accused, to my face, of "wanting to have your cake and eat it too" and trying to take advantage of His good nature.

So now, while I own up to my willingness to set boundaries and be self-centered, there is an edge of defiance to it in some cases. I now *expect* to be judged poorly because of it in many circles - although certainly not all - as a Bad Person.

[queenofhalves]

people are too quick to judge. sometimes i am too. :