Anniversaries

[qos]

I went out for drinks after work this evening with three of the other women on my team.

Overall it was a good time. Except for the fact that all three of them have or had wedding anniversaries within a couple of weeks -- and, understandably, they were all enjoying talking about their plans.

And I could say nothing.

I sat there and listened and smiled and affirmed that it all sounded wonderful. And I tried not to let on that each new story felt like another wound in my heart. Each shared confidence reminded me of all I have lost, all that will never be.

On May 31st it will have been a year since Lohain's death.
That's the anniversary I'm preparing to observe.

The pain is less than it was, but it hasn't gone away.
The wound is not as raw, but there is still a hole in my life where he should be.

There's no need to rush things, he told me. We have plenty of time.


God, I want him back.

Comments

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

I will not tell you how to grieve. I couldn't.

I can tell you empty spaces are where new things can grow. Holes in your heart are meant to be filled.

Maybe he was right anyway, strange as it sounds. Maybe you do have plenty of time.

[qos.livejournal.com]

As you know, I believe he continues to be with me, and that eventually we will have eternity together. So on that level yes -- we do still have plenty of time.

But that makes the absence of his arms around me, the sound of his laughter, the sight of him cooking in my kitchen or sitting on the couch with Wolfling or lying in my bed, only slightly more bearable.

I don't think this hole will ever be filled. That's not to say that I won't love again -- I'd thought that before, for other reasons, and was wrong before -- only that this empty place is his, and he is irreplacable.

I know I'm countering some of what you worte, but I do appreciate your caring and support.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

:)
"So on that level yes -- we do still have plenty of time."
I understand this. And I'm glad you know this.

I understand also that he is irreplaceable. Each person, each love is individual and therefore one of a kind.

I'm glad you do know that you still have room for love even without him being present.

I can't imagine what it may feel like for you and quite honestly don't want to imagine because I know that sooner or later the immediate physical presence of my most loved one will be taken if only temporarily. Temporary could mean a lifetime or a few years in a lifetime but thats more than enough to frighten the bejezuss out of me. So for me it's best to only live with the now and know how precious the moments are.
In the face of death every moment with our loved one is precious.
If I think about that inevitability too much then I'll grasp too much and mess with the beauty of the moment.

I'm really glad that he still talks with you and you with him. I'm glad you do still feel him. Not everyone is able to make and maintain that connection. Though I understand perfectly well how you would still miss him.

Take care you.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

My heart aches for you.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Just seeing your name here made me think of the times I read about you listening to a different kind of celebratory conversation, feeling shut out of the happiness, denied what others were able to take for granted. I know I haven't been commenting much, but I'm always so glad to read about your joy.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Grief and feeling shut out can be so isolating. Loss of someone you dreamed of sharing a life with is truly devastating. I'm reading along and thinking of you often, with much love and wishes for your healing, although I know it'll never be the same.

*hugs*

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Ow. I cringed reading this. I've felt similarly in those circumstances.

Is there anyone you can or would wish to help you observe Lohain's death? Perhaps that would make the burden a little less heavy.

Feel free to email me, if you'd like.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. . .

I hadn't really thought of including anyone else in my observances. I'm not even sure what I'll do that's different. I've observed his death every day since it happened.

One friend suggested that I go for a hike that day. Lohain loved the out of doors, and I know that it would make him happy to know I was out enjoying nature and getting some exercise, especially if I went to a mountainous place. Maybe I'll invite someone to go with me. . .

[neversremedy.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*