Silence & Space

[qos]

If I hadn't faced the Void previously, I would have had to do so now. I suppose it's a blessing that I'm not having to wrestle with existential questions during these seasons of grief.

The last time I felt this isolated it was twenty years ago and I was in an abusive relationship, cut off from everyone else by a man who claimed to love me but did nothing but hurt me.

Thankfully that pain, that drama, is not present now, but I feel like there are huge empty spaces between me and everyone else, and I'm at a loss for how to bridge that space.

A good deal of it is my own fault. I've done a lot of withdrawing, like a snail pulling into my shell. I have little energy, little interest in anything, and so find it hard to make conversation, to comment, to engage. I feel like there's nothing within myself to share, and that if I am too close to others I'll simply be overwhelmed by their energy, like a cup thrust under a waterfall.

More than anything else, I want to relax into a strong, loving embrace, to be gently nurtured back to myself -- but, of course, it is that absence which is at the root of all my emptiness.

I feel hollow, as if once the extremes of grief washed through me there wasn't anything to take its place. My heart is hollow, my mind empty.

Comments

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

On Monday morning, as I waited alone to find out whether Dad would survive bypass surgery, I wished I had a pair of strong arms (attached to a loving partner) to hold me. This afternoon, as I sank onto my hotel bed too exhausted to nap, I again wished for such a pair of arms.

I get your drift, sis.

Strength to you.

[qos.livejournal.com]

You and I have been through a very similar journey these past few years, haven't we? From being single, to being happily partnered for a time, to being single again.

It's much harder being single now than it was before.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I've avoided making that comparison, because I felt it would minimize the depth of your loss. But you are right; our journeys have been similar.

Believe it or not, I find it easier to be single now than before, and that is because of the difference in our paths: you were partnered with people in the kind of deeply committed relationship you desired, and my partnerships were primarily sexual. Had my partnerships met my emotional needs, I would probably find it much harder to be single, now. But it is easier for me to be single than it is for me to have partners who, despite their points, were not meeting my emotional needs. I am grateful for what I got from those relationships while they lasted, but feel far less conflicted now than I did with them.

[qos.livejournal.com]

There are significant differences in what we experienced as individuals, but the broad patterns are the same.

I know what it's like to feel relief -- to feel much better in my daily life -- when I leave a relationship that isn't meeting my needs. They're so much work.

[qos.livejournal.com]

*hugs

As you are in mine, dear friend.

[elevengirl.livejournal.com]

You are in my thoughts.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

To be reminded that you and others continue to stand by me, even when I'm not doing so well keeping up my end of the friendship, is a real blessing.