The Pain of Healing
Oct. 12th, 2007 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI only cry once a week or so now.
I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.
Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.
How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?
It's normal.
It's healthy.
How can I not want to heal?
I never want to be "over it."
Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.
Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.
I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.
Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.
Except when I do.
I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.
Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.
How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?
It's normal.
It's healthy.
How can I not want to heal?
I never want to be "over it."
Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.
Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.
I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.
Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.
Except when I do.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-14 04:05 am (UTC)The mourning may never entirely go away. Sometimes I still get gut-punched about my son, even after 17 years. (Almost 18 now.) But it lessens, becomes a more seldom thing, perhaps goes underground.
The important thing is that your feelings are honest and genuine. Allow yourself to feel them. Don't beat up on yourself or fret about them. Just be with them.
*hugs*