The Pain of Healing
Oct. 12th, 2007 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI only cry once a week or so now.
I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.
Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.
How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?
It's normal.
It's healthy.
How can I not want to heal?
I never want to be "over it."
Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.
Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.
I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.
Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.
Except when I do.
I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.
Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.
How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?
It's normal.
It's healthy.
How can I not want to heal?
I never want to be "over it."
Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.
Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.
I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.
Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.
Except when I do.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-14 03:02 am (UTC)It would seem peace and ok-ness are a part of grief too. As is the wish to not be ok.
I'm very fond of cultural markers of grief that last for years and years, so that all the daily tasks of life - all the ups and downs, all the laughter, all the new births, all the new normalcy and all the intermingling of healing with pain - can all have a outward sign that the grief is still there, woven into it all.
Absences take all kinds of forms. I often wish for a wider vocabulary to honor them.