The Pain of Healing

[qos]

I only cry once a week or so now.

I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.

Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.

How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?

It's normal.
It's healthy.

How can I not want to heal?

I never want to be "over it."

Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.

Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.

I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.

Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.

Except when I do.

Comments

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Don't question it. Just go with it. This is your reality. There's no need for it to conform to any pattern.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reminder.
Patterns are usually very important to me in how I handle things.
It's hard when they aren't necessarily the best way of interacting with a situation.