qos | Catharsis

Okay, I'm back.

One of the things I didn't mention in yesterday evening's outpouring was that I had spent most of the work day numb and pretty much immobile from a task perspective. (Ironically, one of the most pleasant and productive times was my meeting with Miss V. Go figure.)

At some point in the midst of the afternoon I realized that I was in desperate need of a catharsis. I needed to be split open so that all the pain I usually keep a tight grip on so I can be functional could get out.

It was so bad that during my 70% off experimental call to a psychic about my job/career situation (tarot.com was having a promotion) she said she couldn't talk about the job until we discussed about my well-being. "You do know you need to take some time and let all those tears out?" she said.

I talked with

kateri_thinks during half my drive home, and that helped, but when I got there I could barely speak to my parents. They left quickly and without any reproaches, seeing I needed time alone. When I poured a measure of vodka into my Diet Coke with an after-work snack I had no conscious intention of getting drunk, just getting some help unwinding a bit. (I hadn't had an after work drink in a month, but had one last Friday with my dinner at the Outback, and then the one last night.)

I hadn't even finished my drink when the emotional cascade began. I can't even remember now what triggered it, but at one point I was lying on the couch screaming into the pillows out of grief for Lohain -- something I hadn't done since the morning he died. Fortunately, my daughter was upstairs in her room and didn't hear me. It's not that it would have been terrible for her to see my grief, but I needed to experience fully it without needing to stop and take care of her.

But being who I am, I could only spend so much time in mindless pain, and even as I cried and screamed my mind started reflecting on what I was experiencing, and that's when the poem came out.

Later on, the intensity of my rage at the folks in the pool took me by surprise. I almost deleted that post, but left it as an honest part of the night. As it happens, after writing it I did go upstairs and take a shower, and left the fan on in the bathroom and didn't really hear them for the rest of the evening. I was in bed with the lights out by 9:45.

My head is a bit achey this morning, but overall I feel much better for having let myself just go with the flow last night and let everything out pretty much uncensored.
(Note the Queen of Cups icon, seldom used.)

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