I Have Given Myself Permission to Not Do The 3-Day

[qos]

The 3-Day/60 mile Susasn G. Komen for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk is September 7-9.
Five months ago, when I decided to do it, I was somewhat scared, but excited about rising to the challenge of fundraising and physical training.

Then life happened.
Death happened.
Moving happened.

And I didn't train for two months.

And grief keeps happening, and the day job keeps happening, and the pool parties keep happening.

And I haven't trained at all.

And maybe if I was an extrovert I would still be excited at the thought of going and doing just what I could on the walk, and reveling in the company of thousands of others gathered for a common cause, and get high off the energy of all those people with a single passion.

Me? The thought exhausts and intimidates me.

I don't need to take two days off of work (the first day and the day after) to exhaust myself walking as far as I can, and then spend my recuperation time in a tent city with a thousand strangers who I know are going to be louder than the worst pool parties here at the apartment.

The one thing holding me back from withdrawing before was a_belletrist, the courageous friend who agreed to embark on this adventure with me. How could I invite her to do this, then quit on her just before it started? We haven't been able to get together or even connect on the phone for weeks, and I was getting more and more stressed. I wanted to get her permission to quit, and was ashamed to ask.

Today on the way home from work I was talking with kateri_thinks about this, and came to the realization that I have raised $1,600 for breast cancer research, and that's the important thing. The walk I did for myself. And it was what I needed back in February/March.

Now it is not what I need.

What I need is to find an comfortable and inexpensive hotel and go on retreat for those four days, give myself space and quiet to write and grieve and pray and do ritual and write some more. And take some gentle walks in the sunshine and fresh air.

And I needed to claim the authority to make the decision for myself, not seek permission from someone else, even from one of my best friends.

To those of you who contributed, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough to support me and make a difference in the lives of the thousands of women (and their loved ones) who will face breast cancer in the years to come. The money you gave will combine with the donations of others to make a powerful difference, irregardless of whether or not I participated in the walk.

Comments

[blessed-harlot.livejournal.com]

How wonderful that you are taking this step and making this decision so intentionally. What a great way to take care of yourself.