Moving Has Commenced

[qos]

Step One: Schlep lots and lots of boxes into the house.

Step Two: Assign family members different areas. Mom takes the fragile knick-knacks. Dad starts in on the DVD/VHS collection. Daughter starts on her stuffed animals (many of which, I'm surprised to see, end up in the donation box). I start on the bedroom with my clothes.

Step Three: Make boxes, fill boxes, tape boxes, label boxes, stack boxes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

We got a lot done in just a couple of hours today. The biggest jobs are yet to be done: sorting, prioritizing and packing the library, and sifting through all the files and miscellaneous papers to determine which I need to keep and which I need to get rid of. I'd started that process a couple of months ago, but life intervened. Now it must be done this week. But the process will be good for me.

At one point mid-afternoon I suddenly, without any warning, broke down in tears. It took me completely by surprise. I sat in the rocking chair in my bedroom and cried and cried until my dad came in to comfort me. It's been a long time since he's seen me crying. We talked for a little while, and the crisis passed, but the sadness is still with me.

My parents have gone home. The Daughter is playing in the backyard with the daughter of a friend of Upstairs. I'm going to take a shower and then meditate.

Comments

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

I feel your [packing] pain!

[professor-mom.livejournal.com]

Meditation is a fine healer. I hope you find great peace in your meditation.

[oakmouse]

I remember moving out of the apartment in which we lost our son. I had one of those sudden, blind-sided burst of tears moments during the final check for the last load of stuff. I finally realized, after I'd cried it out, that the apartment was a link to Sam. I'm wondering if you're feeling the loss of a link to Lohain.

*hug*

[qos.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean -- but I think it's less the links to him here than it is the awareness of our lost plans for the future: that this apartment was intended to be temporary, for another 6-12 months, and then we (and LB) would almost certainly start talking about buying a house together.

And then there was the dream Lohain and I shared of building a house on Whidbey together someday. . . I think it's the loss of that dream that hurts the most, the fact that even though I'm moving forward with my life, I'm not doing so with him at my side.

BTW: I'm deleting the totally out of line comment the anonymous poster left last night. His judgement was utterly wrong and uncalled-for, and I'm not leaving it on my journal.

[oakmouse]

I think it's the loss of that dream that hurts the most, the fact that even though I'm moving forward with my life, I'm not doing so with him at my side.

Makes sense. And of course that's exactly the sort of pain that would cause the sudden need to cry.
*sympathetic hugs*

BTW: I'm deleting the totally out of line comment the anonymous poster left last night. His judgement was utterly wrong and uncalled-for, and I'm not leaving it on my journal.

I thought it was ironic how aptly s/he filled in our conversation via email of the way this culture freaks out over open and honest discussion of grief.

[qos.livejournal.com]

that's exactly the sort of pain that would cause the sudden need to cry.

I felt mugged. I was walking through my kitchen, and one moment I was fine, and the next I was sobbing. If there had been any warning, any build up of emotions prior to that, I had been repressing it so effectively that I had not really noted it with my conscious mind.

But that's not surprising either, given that my parents were there and I was in "project mode." The last thing I wanted was to get bogged down in grief. Especially one I couldn't fully explain to them.

[oakmouse]

Yah, not surprising. I've found for myself, and seen in others, that often it's exactly the point when the front of your mind is most fully occupied with busy-work that the deeper levels get out the sandbag and refuse to let you keep ignoring them. That's not just true of grief, either, although grief tends to be a situation where the sandbag is bigger and heavier.

[gothic-coop.livejournal.com]

Well let me know when you are settle and when the warming party is.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I hope to have a party in a couple of weeks.