Going Within Again
Feb. 28th, 2007 06:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosYesterday during my spiritual direction session with Tom, I shared my frustration with my lack of quiet/alone/spiritual/creative time. It's something that's been on my mind for quite a while now, but it was only during my session that I acknowledged just how crucial it is -- not just for 'my spiritual life' but for me being me. I determined that I would dedicate at least 20 minutes a day to meditation/inner reflection and take at least one two-hour mini-retreat a week.
So last night after dinner and chores, I retired to my room, shut the door, and lay down on the bed. Unlike most past times when I've done this, there was not an immediate rush of closeness with the Divine -- but the darkness and silence was rich. I focused on my desire for God, my willingness to be changed and my trust that that would happen irregardless of what sensations I perceived.
A little while later I had the image of approaching a reception desk in an anonymous lobby. The figure standing behind the desk was angelic, in a generic functionary way. "Why are you here?" he asked.
I took the question seriously and started to reflect on what I hoped to gain from reconnecting with my inner world. As I started to frame my response, I also got a sense of being questioned about my connection to whoever/whatever lay beyond this point, something along the lines of "are you expected?"
I let the angelic receptionist frame the encounter for a while, then suddenly recognized it for what it was: the inner world equivalent of a robot. I smashed the scene, and it cracked and burst into pieces like the backdrop of a theatrical flat, and behind it I found a lush, colorful jungle which I leaped into with abandon.
I was Panther Woman [9 Chickweed Lane readers will recognize the semi-humorous alter-ego reference], vine-swinging through the jungle with my black panther companion, realizing that my inner world has become very tame: all manicured lawns and pretty fountains and well-kept paths. Even the Wood where I was lost a couple of years ago has been replaced by the circle of stones and the community on the other side. My inner world used to be a wild, exotic place, a place of extremes, my wild place where my imagination and sense of self were unfettered.
It's time to be wild inside again.
I'm not going to worry about "doing meditation" or pursuing a particular type of prayer right now. It's time to re-discover who I am inside, where I am purely myself. When I'm back in touch with that, what I need spiritually will arise naturally.
So last night after dinner and chores, I retired to my room, shut the door, and lay down on the bed. Unlike most past times when I've done this, there was not an immediate rush of closeness with the Divine -- but the darkness and silence was rich. I focused on my desire for God, my willingness to be changed and my trust that that would happen irregardless of what sensations I perceived.
A little while later I had the image of approaching a reception desk in an anonymous lobby. The figure standing behind the desk was angelic, in a generic functionary way. "Why are you here?" he asked.
I took the question seriously and started to reflect on what I hoped to gain from reconnecting with my inner world. As I started to frame my response, I also got a sense of being questioned about my connection to whoever/whatever lay beyond this point, something along the lines of "are you expected?"
I let the angelic receptionist frame the encounter for a while, then suddenly recognized it for what it was: the inner world equivalent of a robot. I smashed the scene, and it cracked and burst into pieces like the backdrop of a theatrical flat, and behind it I found a lush, colorful jungle which I leaped into with abandon.
I was Panther Woman [9 Chickweed Lane readers will recognize the semi-humorous alter-ego reference], vine-swinging through the jungle with my black panther companion, realizing that my inner world has become very tame: all manicured lawns and pretty fountains and well-kept paths. Even the Wood where I was lost a couple of years ago has been replaced by the circle of stones and the community on the other side. My inner world used to be a wild, exotic place, a place of extremes, my wild place where my imagination and sense of self were unfettered.
It's time to be wild inside again.
I'm not going to worry about "doing meditation" or pursuing a particular type of prayer right now. It's time to re-discover who I am inside, where I am purely myself. When I'm back in touch with that, what I need spiritually will arise naturally.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-28 10:04 pm (UTC)Solange rules. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-01 01:47 am (UTC)BTW, how do you see yourself expressing this inner wildness in your outer life?
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-01 01:58 am (UTC)I certainly express this wildness in my romantic and sexual life, which is rich, loving, uninhibited, and more spiritual than ever before.
The challenge is to bring this wildness to my vocation, and be willing to express it as I create my practice. Which is still my biggest unfulfilled challenge right now. I need to be daring, unashamed of my own exotic nature, and revel in what I have to offer that's different not worry about being too wild for those who see me.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-02 10:37 pm (UTC)Teresa of Avila likened these things to watering your garden. She said there were several possible methods. One could carry buckets of water; hard work. One could build an irrigation ditch; a lot of work at first, then easier later. But yet one more possible method: it rains. The moral of Teresa's story: we don't always have to try so hard.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-05 12:45 am (UTC)I've had a very ambivalent relationship with rain over the past few years (I live in a basement that has flooded several times), but this is a beautiful image which I will try to remember.