Adjusting the Lense
Mar. 25th, 2004 08:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI can’t even say now what it was that triggered, only that sometime last night or early this morning the black box of my subconscious popped up a new insight about my vocational struggle like a golden-brown piece of toast.
I’ve been concerned about not being sure what denomination I should be ordained within. I love much of Swedenborg, but parts of his teachings make me uncomfortable. But what other Christian denomination is so open to the wisdom of other faiths, which is so important to me?
Do I even feel comfortable about identifying myself exclusively with any one faith tradition when I am so keenly aware that the vastness of the Divine Mystery transcends any one human spiritual path – in fact, transcends all of them?
Do I have a pastor’s heart? Am I capable of providing sustained, loving shepherding to a community on an ongoing basis?
Should I be a professor instead? Does my love of learning and my misgivings about being a shepherd indicate I would be better suited to the academy than the sanctuary?
As either a pastor or professor, my ability to support myself financially is dependent on having someone else hire me. And while it’s not impossible to have that happen in Seattle, where there are several colleges and universities, and the only Swedenborgian congregation hundreds of miles, it’s not all that likely.
But what about my Call? I was so sure that this was the right path. I set out to be a professor 10 years ago and that path disappeared beneath my feet. My M.Div. studies have been a joy to me on both an intellectual and a spiritual level. I believe I’m on the right path – but where is that path leading?
I want to work in a career that helps me deepen my own spiritual life while helping others deepen theirs.
I want to help others on their spiritual journeys. I want to help them find the language to ask their questions, to describe their experiences. I want to introduce them to others who have faced the same issues, to show them they are not alone. I want to help them map their own spiritual territory and journey, to find the right path(s) for them, not to provide answers.
I don’t want to have to leave my hometown, where I have a very successful, very unorthodox shared living/custody arrangement with my ex-husband. I don’t want to separate my daughter from my parents, with whom she has a very special relationship. And, with my father’s recent Parkinson’s diagnosis, I don’t want to leave him and my mother alone.
On the enneagram, I’m a 5. This means that my default setting is for solitude or small, intimate gatherings. The thought of attending a cocktail party makes me break out in hives. I frequently feel isolated in groups, even when I know I am loved and welcome.
I am already ordained. Two years ago, I was ordained as a Priestess of the Grail by the Ordo Arcanorum Gradalis. There are a lot of people who would probably scoff at that, but it was an authentic ordination, valid before the God/dess. On some level I have always felt a little odd seeking another ordination, but believed that “they” would not accept my authority to teach or provide spiritual leadership. Big, flashing amber warning light there. Maybe I didn’t see it because it was poised over my head.
I also know that I’ve come to cherish my freedom, and I love the thought of living on my own terms, not owing obligation to or being dependent on a particular employer. Freedom has its own risks, but after tasting the exhilarating, challenging world of being an entrepreneur, I have to say that I like most of it.
So where does this leave me?
How about becoming a Spiritual Director? Not a clinical psychologist, not a pastor, but someone who is a “spiritual companion” helping others along their spiritual journey. My school of theology has a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality, which requires about a third fewer credits than the M.Div., but the same core classes, which is the academic path to proficiency in this area.
Why didn’t I do that in the first place? Because when I was doing my initial discernment/vocational discernment, I didn’t recognize it as an option. Maybe also I was still under the influence of my childhood expectation of being in a traditional profession.
Why might this be right? It eliminates the problems and concerns I was having on the M.Div. path, and it doesn’t involve starting over from scratch. I continue this journey, but on a slightly different heading. I can walk my own path, bearing the full riches of my wide-ranging journeys, without worrying about honoring and keeping within the limits and boundaries of a particular tradition.
More discernment will be needed, of course, but this feels like a big step in the right direction.
I’ve been concerned about not being sure what denomination I should be ordained within. I love much of Swedenborg, but parts of his teachings make me uncomfortable. But what other Christian denomination is so open to the wisdom of other faiths, which is so important to me?
Do I even feel comfortable about identifying myself exclusively with any one faith tradition when I am so keenly aware that the vastness of the Divine Mystery transcends any one human spiritual path – in fact, transcends all of them?
Do I have a pastor’s heart? Am I capable of providing sustained, loving shepherding to a community on an ongoing basis?
Should I be a professor instead? Does my love of learning and my misgivings about being a shepherd indicate I would be better suited to the academy than the sanctuary?
As either a pastor or professor, my ability to support myself financially is dependent on having someone else hire me. And while it’s not impossible to have that happen in Seattle, where there are several colleges and universities, and the only Swedenborgian congregation hundreds of miles, it’s not all that likely.
But what about my Call? I was so sure that this was the right path. I set out to be a professor 10 years ago and that path disappeared beneath my feet. My M.Div. studies have been a joy to me on both an intellectual and a spiritual level. I believe I’m on the right path – but where is that path leading?
I want to work in a career that helps me deepen my own spiritual life while helping others deepen theirs.
I want to help others on their spiritual journeys. I want to help them find the language to ask their questions, to describe their experiences. I want to introduce them to others who have faced the same issues, to show them they are not alone. I want to help them map their own spiritual territory and journey, to find the right path(s) for them, not to provide answers.
I don’t want to have to leave my hometown, where I have a very successful, very unorthodox shared living/custody arrangement with my ex-husband. I don’t want to separate my daughter from my parents, with whom she has a very special relationship. And, with my father’s recent Parkinson’s diagnosis, I don’t want to leave him and my mother alone.
On the enneagram, I’m a 5. This means that my default setting is for solitude or small, intimate gatherings. The thought of attending a cocktail party makes me break out in hives. I frequently feel isolated in groups, even when I know I am loved and welcome.
I am already ordained. Two years ago, I was ordained as a Priestess of the Grail by the Ordo Arcanorum Gradalis. There are a lot of people who would probably scoff at that, but it was an authentic ordination, valid before the God/dess. On some level I have always felt a little odd seeking another ordination, but believed that “they” would not accept my authority to teach or provide spiritual leadership. Big, flashing amber warning light there. Maybe I didn’t see it because it was poised over my head.
I also know that I’ve come to cherish my freedom, and I love the thought of living on my own terms, not owing obligation to or being dependent on a particular employer. Freedom has its own risks, but after tasting the exhilarating, challenging world of being an entrepreneur, I have to say that I like most of it.
So where does this leave me?
How about becoming a Spiritual Director? Not a clinical psychologist, not a pastor, but someone who is a “spiritual companion” helping others along their spiritual journey. My school of theology has a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality, which requires about a third fewer credits than the M.Div., but the same core classes, which is the academic path to proficiency in this area.
Why didn’t I do that in the first place? Because when I was doing my initial discernment/vocational discernment, I didn’t recognize it as an option. Maybe also I was still under the influence of my childhood expectation of being in a traditional profession.
Why might this be right? It eliminates the problems and concerns I was having on the M.Div. path, and it doesn’t involve starting over from scratch. I continue this journey, but on a slightly different heading. I can walk my own path, bearing the full riches of my wide-ranging journeys, without worrying about honoring and keeping within the limits and boundaries of a particular tradition.
More discernment will be needed, of course, but this feels like a big step in the right direction.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-25 11:09 am (UTC)I went to a church here that would fit your requirements more, but I don't know that it was affiliated with any specific denomination. It was called Hope Fellowship or something.
Funny. The mystical used to appeal to me more than it does now.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-25 12:17 pm (UTC)That's one of the things I do like about Swedenborg. He's a mystic, but he spent the first part of his life doing science. He's an intellectual challenge.
Why does the mystical hold less appeal for you these days? I find that the longer I'm on my path the more I find myself trying to deepen my direct link to the Divine rather than getting bogged down (my experience, YMMV) in the intellectual or the liturgical.