Repeating Myself
Dec. 5th, 2006 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosDuring my one-on-one meeting with my manager this afternoon I suddenly realized that I was saying the same things about my performance on the projects I'm managing that I've been saying for several weeks.
And I didn't like that realization.
Because I was talking about what a difficult time I was having.
And about the outside factors that were impacting me.
And feeling not enough confidence.
And etc.
Not whining, but too consciously avoiding sounding defeatist.
It's the same damn thing as with my business: I keep writing the same damn things here, but nothing is getting done.
Other things, valuable things, are getting done. Things I have also done a lot of writing about and striving toward: improvements in my home, in my finances, in quality time with my daughter.
And that's good to realize.
But that doesn't erase the fact that the most important things I can be doing for my career -- both my day job and my vocation -- are not being addressed with my full intelligence, passion, and creativity.
It's time for another ritual.
That's the only thing I can think of right now to help me move forward.
The last one I did (healing around some past emotional/relationship wounds) turned out to be unexpectedly, amazingly powerful. This time I would do something around claiming and affirming power.
This also dovetails with my introduction to the unexpectedly inspiring materials for the game Mage: The Ascension. I've never been remotely interested in the World of Darkness universe (known mostly for its vampires and werewolves), but Mage focuses on the simultaneous personal growth and raising of humanity by those who are magickally/spiritually Awakened. Reading the basic book has been almost as inspiring as a couple of my seminary texts! I was going to create a character, but then realized I was channeling creative, passionate energy into fiction that I could be applying to building my practice -- and that I could use that sense of fun and possibility to infuse what I have been experiencing as desireable and stressful and risky.
And I didn't like that realization.
Because I was talking about what a difficult time I was having.
And about the outside factors that were impacting me.
And feeling not enough confidence.
And etc.
Not whining, but too consciously avoiding sounding defeatist.
It's the same damn thing as with my business: I keep writing the same damn things here, but nothing is getting done.
Other things, valuable things, are getting done. Things I have also done a lot of writing about and striving toward: improvements in my home, in my finances, in quality time with my daughter.
And that's good to realize.
But that doesn't erase the fact that the most important things I can be doing for my career -- both my day job and my vocation -- are not being addressed with my full intelligence, passion, and creativity.
It's time for another ritual.
That's the only thing I can think of right now to help me move forward.
The last one I did (healing around some past emotional/relationship wounds) turned out to be unexpectedly, amazingly powerful. This time I would do something around claiming and affirming power.
This also dovetails with my introduction to the unexpectedly inspiring materials for the game Mage: The Ascension. I've never been remotely interested in the World of Darkness universe (known mostly for its vampires and werewolves), but Mage focuses on the simultaneous personal growth and raising of humanity by those who are magickally/spiritually Awakened. Reading the basic book has been almost as inspiring as a couple of my seminary texts! I was going to create a character, but then realized I was channeling creative, passionate energy into fiction that I could be applying to building my practice -- and that I could use that sense of fun and possibility to infuse what I have been experiencing as desireable and stressful and risky.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-06 04:27 pm (UTC)If you ever want to be a part of an online game, I can recommend a MUX to you. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-07 04:04 am (UTC)Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-06 05:58 pm (UTC)I wouldn't say that Mage has been the seed, or even the water for my growth... But it's certainly been fertilizer!
Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-07 04:11 am (UTC)Once I get my real world adventure rolling, I'd like to actually play!
Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-07 06:10 am (UTC)Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-07 06:38 am (UTC)And you'd have fun creating and playing an awesome character.
Or you could stick with making yourself awesome.
Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-07 01:30 pm (UTC)Yeah, "making myself awesome" is the goal right now -- and I have the tabletop game he's running to enjoy his storytelling talents.
Thanks for leaving a comment. _ST_ talks about you regularly, and with great respect and affection.
Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-07 01:28 pm (UTC)Re: Mage Rave
Date: 2006-12-10 09:03 am (UTC)practice
practice