The Day After
Mar. 11th, 2004 07:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosIt's a good thing I wasn't at work yesterday, because it turned out that I did indeed need the whole day to prepare for the Grail Mass: not just finishing memorizing the key texts, but doing things like buying new candles and a green tablecloth for the altar cover. (The OAG changes the color of the altar cloth and the central candles for each season.)
Spending the whole day immersed in ritual preparations and focusing deeply on the text was a . . . . [searching for a word here]. . . rich experience. For the first time in a long time I felt the reality of my ordination rather than just the fact of it.
This is the first time that I've performed a Grail Mass in a group of strangers who were unfamiliar with the symbolism. I did a brief orientation before the ritual, explaining the basis of the OAG's beliefs (the harmony between Christianity and Celtic Paganism found in the Grail lore), some of the Divine names invoked in the ritual, and the ritual elements. The Grail Mass opens and closes like a Wiccan circle: purification, casting the circle, calling the Regents of the Quarters, invoking the God and Goddess. The Grail Mass itself follows the form of the Catholic Mass. I think it's a lovely rite, but for those unusued to either tradition, it can be a strange sensation.
I'm not particularly sensitive to energy working. Part of it is lack of practice. I've been primarily a solitary. And when I have worked in groups I usually focus too much on "getting it right" or my own inner "stuff" to be open to energy. The same thing happened last night, even though I had spent a long time reflecting on the fact that this wasn't about me giving a performance, it was about me mediating blessings to the other participants, and serving the God/dess. But I still was focusing on doing "a good job" during the ritual itself.
The 10 or so people who were there did participate, insofar as they stood when I asked them to, faced the directions during the invocation, read aloud the confession and affirmation, and etc. But during the parts when I was actually performing the Liturgy of the Grail, I felt like they were just watching, and weighing what was happening, not directing energy toward the ritual itself.
And that was a first for me: to have a sense of energy not coming in, but feeling like everyone else was just watching.
I can certainly understand that orientation. It's my own default setting: watchful, learning, a bit reserved. But I've never seen it so clearly from the other side before. It was a good lesson.
Afterward, a few people told me that the energy had been wonderful - which came as a surprise to me, but I was glad to hear it. Someone told me that the ritual itself was so dense, she was concentrating hard just to unpack the meaning of what she was hearing and seeing. "The next time, it will be easier to go with it," she said. And that was another good lesson for me.
I took pleasure in the evening. It would have been more pleasure if I'd felt more connection to the other people in the circle, but that is, I suppose, an inevitable side-effect of it being a public outreach event. It felt good to put on my robe again and act as a priestess.
But I was also reminded of what I don'tlike about Paganism. Well, "don't like" is perhaps a bit strong. But my personal spirituality is virtually Quaker: God, me, and silence. I understand that tools, images, robes, incense, candles, and invocations can be powerful tools for helping people shift consciousness. To me, they often seem superfluous, like we're putting up a bunch of "stuff" between ourselves and the Divine, making a fuss and playing games when we could be simply opening and reaching out to the Divine who is always reaching out to us.
I can enjoy the beauty and theatricality of formal ritual, it's just not what moves me.
So why am I an OAG priestess, if that's how I feel? The OAG was the first place I found in the years after my existential crisis and spiritual questing, where both my Pagan and my Christian sides were welcome and included. And if the OAG was more "high church" than I would normally be, it was worth it in order to be part of a community who shared my beliefs and where I could feel at home.
Edit: Better, more complete conclusion behind the cut.
Spending the whole day immersed in ritual preparations and focusing deeply on the text was a . . . . [searching for a word here]. . . rich experience. For the first time in a long time I felt the reality of my ordination rather than just the fact of it.
This is the first time that I've performed a Grail Mass in a group of strangers who were unfamiliar with the symbolism. I did a brief orientation before the ritual, explaining the basis of the OAG's beliefs (the harmony between Christianity and Celtic Paganism found in the Grail lore), some of the Divine names invoked in the ritual, and the ritual elements. The Grail Mass opens and closes like a Wiccan circle: purification, casting the circle, calling the Regents of the Quarters, invoking the God and Goddess. The Grail Mass itself follows the form of the Catholic Mass. I think it's a lovely rite, but for those unusued to either tradition, it can be a strange sensation.
I'm not particularly sensitive to energy working. Part of it is lack of practice. I've been primarily a solitary. And when I have worked in groups I usually focus too much on "getting it right" or my own inner "stuff" to be open to energy. The same thing happened last night, even though I had spent a long time reflecting on the fact that this wasn't about me giving a performance, it was about me mediating blessings to the other participants, and serving the God/dess. But I still was focusing on doing "a good job" during the ritual itself.
The 10 or so people who were there did participate, insofar as they stood when I asked them to, faced the directions during the invocation, read aloud the confession and affirmation, and etc. But during the parts when I was actually performing the Liturgy of the Grail, I felt like they were just watching, and weighing what was happening, not directing energy toward the ritual itself.
And that was a first for me: to have a sense of energy not coming in, but feeling like everyone else was just watching.
I can certainly understand that orientation. It's my own default setting: watchful, learning, a bit reserved. But I've never seen it so clearly from the other side before. It was a good lesson.
Afterward, a few people told me that the energy had been wonderful - which came as a surprise to me, but I was glad to hear it. Someone told me that the ritual itself was so dense, she was concentrating hard just to unpack the meaning of what she was hearing and seeing. "The next time, it will be easier to go with it," she said. And that was another good lesson for me.
I took pleasure in the evening. It would have been more pleasure if I'd felt more connection to the other people in the circle, but that is, I suppose, an inevitable side-effect of it being a public outreach event. It felt good to put on my robe again and act as a priestess.
But I was also reminded of what I don'tlike about Paganism. Well, "don't like" is perhaps a bit strong. But my personal spirituality is virtually Quaker: God, me, and silence. I understand that tools, images, robes, incense, candles, and invocations can be powerful tools for helping people shift consciousness. To me, they often seem superfluous, like we're putting up a bunch of "stuff" between ourselves and the Divine, making a fuss and playing games when we could be simply opening and reaching out to the Divine who is always reaching out to us.
I can enjoy the beauty and theatricality of formal ritual, it's just not what moves me.
So why am I an OAG priestess, if that's how I feel? The OAG was the first place I found in the years after my existential crisis and spiritual questing, where both my Pagan and my Christian sides were welcome and included. And if the OAG was more "high church" than I would normally be, it was worth it in order to be part of a community who shared my beliefs and where I could feel at home.
Edit: Better, more complete conclusion behind the cut.
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Date: 2004-03-11 10:18 am (UTC)