My Descent

[qos]

In my last entry, I briefly described my experience in an emotionally abusive relationship as The Descent of Inanna combined with Stockholm Syndrome.

I don't go back into that space much anymore. I've healed those wounds, chosen what knowledge to cherish and what memories to let drift deeper into shadow.

But writing even that little bit, and then mourning the creativity that I've been lacking for the past year or two, sent me back to this piece of writing: one of my very rare attempts at poetry. (I usually express myself in fragments of novels.)

So here's this to share: the poem I wrote back in 1989 about my underworld initiation. (Please pardon the mixing of mythological metaphors.)



The Descent

From the country of light
The peak of success
The Helicon
I embarked on a Journey unwelcome
and unsought:
From order into chaos
From society into solitude
From certainty into confusion

The old patterns of my life were shattered
And in despair
I gave myself to a dark god
In whose hungers I could forget my own

Like Inanna seeking knowledge
I set aside all that identified Me
Piece by piece "I" was demanded of me by the dark judges,
and I set Myself aside of my own will,
drawn further down,
curiosity stronger than fear,
resolution stronger than wisdom

I lay in the arms of Hades
who made me his queen
and buried me in the bowels of the earth

I stood before Ereshkigal
I met her eyes of death
My soul was stripped from my body
And my corpse draped over a bed

Naked
Nakedness so profound that there is nothing left to identify you
Only the space in the universe that you used to fill

They can strip you out of your life
Hide you away
Rend your body
Bury your spirit
But not even Hades can erase your past
Not even Ereshkigal can sunder your memory from the hearts of those who love you

My friend followed me down the hole I left when I vanished
The sights that seduced me,
fascinated me,
drew me in,
showed to him their squeaky gears
Designed for me, other eyes were not deluded by their glamours

He found my corpse, heard the faint sound of my soul lost in the shadows
Into the space where I used to be, he spoke the incantation:
My Name, uttered in love, resounding with memories of my true self
Then, the magic formula, recalling me to myself:
What are you doing?
Are you happy?
Is this what you want?

My rusty tongue, unused to truth, formed halting words
And then I screamed
And my soul rushed back into my body

"I am trapped!" I cried
"You are free" said my friend. "Walk with me out of this place."
My limbs were weak
The doors were chained
Demons guarded the exits, waiting to drag me back, to punish me

"You are free"
"You are free"
"You are free"
"Do you want to stay?"
"No!"
"Then walk with me."

No longer sure who I was ---
Only that I did not belong in the underworld
I reached out and took the hand of my friend
The chains turned dust

Slowly,
step by step,
we left through the back door of Hell
Demons gibbered in the shadows
But they have no power
In the face of truth

The sunlight was bright
But I shivered
The closing of the iron door
Did not obscure the howls
Of the Underworld's king
And I knew that no one
Escapes Ereshkigal unmarked

In the coming days
Hades would haunt me
In my dreams
Ereshkigal would tell me I was still a corpse on a bed, and always would be

But gradually I reclaimed my soul
My friends refused to let the shadows claim me
My Name became my mantra
Like the Ancient Ones, I chanted the stories
of my victories, re-membering my
history, my wholeness, my hope

And finally I gained a crown that Hades never intended:

I have become a Journeyer
Like Inanna, I have given all
And so have all to gain
What was stripped from me
I now can claim or discard by my own free will
And no one can take from me what I refuse to give

I am free


Dedicated to Tony, the friend who came for me.

Comments

[queenofhalves]

powerful.

who or what does erishkigal represent in this poem?

Re:

[qos.livejournal.com]

There wasn't any conscious or deliberate symbolism in my use of Ereshkigal. She was simply a key figure from the Inanna myth.

I've tried to write several explanations here, and have deleted them all. Ultimately, they are digging up meaning that I never intended when I wrote this piece more than a decade ago. She's a mythic figure, and thus comes laden with symbolic potential, but I wasn't trying to be subtle when I used her.

But it's an interesting question to consider, and I'm flattered that anyone is inspired to look for a deeper meaning than the obvious one I intended.

Re:

[queenofhalves]

that makes sense. :>