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qosShortly after I shut down my computer last night, I found one more 'recent' journal stacked on my desk. The very first entry is July 21, 2004:
What do I want? In a man.
High intelligence and unconventional thought
Intensity - coupled with inner serenity
Strength and resilience and inner security
Laughter
Spirituality
And now, as I was typing, "there was another list, a more archetypal one" I realized that there was another notebook on my desk.
This entry is dated December 19, 2004:
I like imaginary men better than real ones. They don't let me down. They don't have needs I can't meet. They aren't jealous.
I just thought of Practical Magic, in which Sandra Bullock's character casts a love spell for an impossible man, so she would never fall in love, never feel the grief of the woman who came to her aunts for a love spell, never be the death of a man.
If I cast such a spell, what would I ask? I started out thinking that I would want a mirror to my own Sage -- but that's not what my daimon has ever been.
I would want:
- A Warrior: a man unafraid of risks and challenges, a with a strong body, capable of being deadly, but ruled by discipline and principle.
- A Prince: a man of authority, an Alpha, with a sense of nobility and responsibility
A man whose love for me did not seek to pull me so close that my own life and needs were lost.
A man who could see my greater potentials and urge me to reach for them.
A man who loves movie and theater.
A spiritual man, one for whom lovemaking had a spiritual dimension.
A well-educated man.
A man with a great sense of humor
Thinking about it the last few days, I would expand "spiritual" to Priest: a man deeply in touch with the Divine, who would be a minister to me, and help me deepen my connection to the sacred, and who would take joy in being ministered to by the Priestess in myself.
I would expand the Prince to include the characteristic of being equally able to lead or to follow, depending on the circumstances, and who was comfortable trading off those roles with me as was appropriate for the occasion.
In the entry following the first list above, I referred to a question from a close friend who asked me, "Are you able to accept a man just as himself?"
It was an excellent question, and I think the ruthlessly honest answer is "no." My own tendency is to find meaning and to stretch myself with archetypes, and to find recreation and self-awareness in gaming and writing and exploring facets of myself through characters who are avatars of myself. I want a man who understands and enjoys the same kind of experiences, who is functional in the mundane world but who also lives in other worlds, and who wants to share them with me.
What do I want? In a man.
High intelligence and unconventional thought
Intensity - coupled with inner serenity
Strength and resilience and inner security
Laughter
Spirituality
And now, as I was typing, "there was another list, a more archetypal one" I realized that there was another notebook on my desk.
This entry is dated December 19, 2004:
I like imaginary men better than real ones. They don't let me down. They don't have needs I can't meet. They aren't jealous.
I just thought of Practical Magic, in which Sandra Bullock's character casts a love spell for an impossible man, so she would never fall in love, never feel the grief of the woman who came to her aunts for a love spell, never be the death of a man.
If I cast such a spell, what would I ask? I started out thinking that I would want a mirror to my own Sage -- but that's not what my daimon has ever been.
I would want:
- A Warrior: a man unafraid of risks and challenges, a with a strong body, capable of being deadly, but ruled by discipline and principle.
- A Prince: a man of authority, an Alpha, with a sense of nobility and responsibility
A man whose love for me did not seek to pull me so close that my own life and needs were lost.
A man who could see my greater potentials and urge me to reach for them.
A man who loves movie and theater.
A spiritual man, one for whom lovemaking had a spiritual dimension.
A well-educated man.
A man with a great sense of humor
Thinking about it the last few days, I would expand "spiritual" to Priest: a man deeply in touch with the Divine, who would be a minister to me, and help me deepen my connection to the sacred, and who would take joy in being ministered to by the Priestess in myself.
I would expand the Prince to include the characteristic of being equally able to lead or to follow, depending on the circumstances, and who was comfortable trading off those roles with me as was appropriate for the occasion.
In the entry following the first list above, I referred to a question from a close friend who asked me, "Are you able to accept a man just as himself?"
It was an excellent question, and I think the ruthlessly honest answer is "no." My own tendency is to find meaning and to stretch myself with archetypes, and to find recreation and self-awareness in gaming and writing and exploring facets of myself through characters who are avatars of myself. I want a man who understands and enjoys the same kind of experiences, who is functional in the mundane world but who also lives in other worlds, and who wants to share them with me.
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"*o*" Blink, blink...
Date: 2005-12-13 04:55 am (UTC)But all joking aside, Gaming is one of the alltime best avenues to explore the different men that live in both fiction and reality. And writing is also great for deciding on the "Kind of Guy" that's right for you. My greatest advise about relationships and love is not to be kinkier or more outgoing, not to become Poly or Bi or any of the things that I have done accept for this: Find sombody who GETS you. Love requires a little luck, a ton of hard work, communication, honesty and patience, but the best jumping off point is to know that you chose the same flavor of crazy as you. Pick your battles, Know yourself, bat your own weight class and match based on the lasting compadability of similar nerosies or idiosecrecies.
I can't spell, but I feel really good about this.
Re: "*o*" Blink, blink...
Date: 2005-12-13 05:10 am (UTC)LOL!
Find sombody who GETS you
*sigh* I haven't thought about it for a while, but you're right. I cherish those few men who 'get' me -- and I don't think I've ever fully forgiven my husband for falling short in that regard, nor myself for making myself believe he did get me.
Part of what I'm expressing above is a desire for a man whose nature resonates with mine. I would hope that understanding me would go along with that. I guess for me it's a given: without that, then none of the rest matters.
I'm trying for ruthless honesty going forward: not brutal honesty with the other person, but with myself. I've allowed myself to project my desires onto men in the past, not see them clearly for who they are. I need to be careful of that always. It's not something I've been good at.
Thanks for your sharing and your wisdom.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-13 12:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-13 01:32 pm (UTC)