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qosThis is an entry I might usually filter due to spiritual content, but I'm going to go ahead and leave it open because I'm tired of having so few posts of substance lately. If spirituality, or alternative spirituality, isn't your bag, feel free to skip what's below.
A couple of weeks ago, Kim, my shamanic teacher, emailed me an invitation to meet with her and a few other of her students about a Shamanic Healing Center she wants to start. My impression was that those of us being invited were being offered the opportunity to study specifically to become practitioners at the center, which I took as a signficant honor, since I've only been studying with her for six months or so.
She invited us to "journey on the possibility" prior to the meeting, which meant that she was suggesting we each do a shamanic journey, consulting our otherworldly allies about whether or not this was something that would be a good idea for us.
It takes some doing to get the silence necessary for a shamanic journey in my house. Between my own daughter and the four noisemakers upstairs, I felt it necessary to cue the upstairs grown-ups a day or two in advance, and talk about it with my daughter at length to ensure that even at 9:30pm I would have some hope of being able to lie down with headphones on and have an uninterrupted 45-60 minutes. But it happened. I had my space and my time.
And then nothing happened.
I was using a CD of drumming, which I usually don't do. I did so this time because I thought it would help keep out any household noise, but also because all the work I've done with Kim has involved drumming. But there is a big difference between her live drums and recordings. When I've journeyed with her, I have experienced powerful impact from the first drumbeat of the session. With the recording, it was just lots of noise pounding in my brain. Nothing happened.
It was two days before I realized something very important: that I had been doing shamanic journeys since age 12 without any kind of percussion support. No drums. No rattles. No chanting. None of the external techniques typically associated with shamanic journeying. But because my teacher works this way, and because everything I've been reading talks about using drums (or something) I suddenly was feeling that I needed to do it too.
Maybe I hoped it would enhance the experience. But all it did was get in the way of whatever internal mechanism has been doing just fine on its own, thank-you-very-much, all these years.
So there was no help from my allies that night.
But then I started thinking If I'm focusing right now on agency, why am I journeying like this? Why am I asking someone else? (Even if it could be argued that the "someone else" is actually an aspect of my own self.) What do I think? What do I want?
Because the issue about my participation in the Shamanic Healing Center is also about whether I want to focus my time and energy on shamanic practice or on spiritual direction.
And I realized, rather quickly, once I felt like I was getting the question right, that if I were to commit to the center, I would be focusing on Kim's dream instead of my own. Just as twice before I have been caught up in B's dreams, and supporting his entreprenuerial work, instead of working on my own. (Ok, part of the reason there was that I didn't have a dream of my own then, but the comparison still has some validity.)
Yes, I have a degree of shamanic ability. And it is a rich practice that I can certainly continue to develop and explore. But I don't have any sense that it's my Work. But when I talk or think about being a spiritual director/companion to those outside of traditional spiritual paths, I feel the all-too-rare-these-days passion rising in me. I get excited. I can hear my voice change, feel the energy surging in my body. That doesn't happen when I talk/think about shamanic practice.
It has occurred to me that the clients who come to Kim's center might be just the kind of people who would be interested in what I have to offer as a spiritual director. Perhaps we will find synergy between our dreams, do mutual referrals when appropriate, or something like that. That would be great.
But I am beyond the days of needing to serve the dreams of others in order to have direction in my own life. I have my own dreams, and my own work to do. The task now is to be enough of an agent to make them happen.
A couple of weeks ago, Kim, my shamanic teacher, emailed me an invitation to meet with her and a few other of her students about a Shamanic Healing Center she wants to start. My impression was that those of us being invited were being offered the opportunity to study specifically to become practitioners at the center, which I took as a signficant honor, since I've only been studying with her for six months or so.
She invited us to "journey on the possibility" prior to the meeting, which meant that she was suggesting we each do a shamanic journey, consulting our otherworldly allies about whether or not this was something that would be a good idea for us.
It takes some doing to get the silence necessary for a shamanic journey in my house. Between my own daughter and the four noisemakers upstairs, I felt it necessary to cue the upstairs grown-ups a day or two in advance, and talk about it with my daughter at length to ensure that even at 9:30pm I would have some hope of being able to lie down with headphones on and have an uninterrupted 45-60 minutes. But it happened. I had my space and my time.
And then nothing happened.
I was using a CD of drumming, which I usually don't do. I did so this time because I thought it would help keep out any household noise, but also because all the work I've done with Kim has involved drumming. But there is a big difference between her live drums and recordings. When I've journeyed with her, I have experienced powerful impact from the first drumbeat of the session. With the recording, it was just lots of noise pounding in my brain. Nothing happened.
It was two days before I realized something very important: that I had been doing shamanic journeys since age 12 without any kind of percussion support. No drums. No rattles. No chanting. None of the external techniques typically associated with shamanic journeying. But because my teacher works this way, and because everything I've been reading talks about using drums (or something) I suddenly was feeling that I needed to do it too.
Maybe I hoped it would enhance the experience. But all it did was get in the way of whatever internal mechanism has been doing just fine on its own, thank-you-very-much, all these years.
So there was no help from my allies that night.
But then I started thinking If I'm focusing right now on agency, why am I journeying like this? Why am I asking someone else? (Even if it could be argued that the "someone else" is actually an aspect of my own self.) What do I think? What do I want?
Because the issue about my participation in the Shamanic Healing Center is also about whether I want to focus my time and energy on shamanic practice or on spiritual direction.
And I realized, rather quickly, once I felt like I was getting the question right, that if I were to commit to the center, I would be focusing on Kim's dream instead of my own. Just as twice before I have been caught up in B's dreams, and supporting his entreprenuerial work, instead of working on my own. (Ok, part of the reason there was that I didn't have a dream of my own then, but the comparison still has some validity.)
Yes, I have a degree of shamanic ability. And it is a rich practice that I can certainly continue to develop and explore. But I don't have any sense that it's my Work. But when I talk or think about being a spiritual director/companion to those outside of traditional spiritual paths, I feel the all-too-rare-these-days passion rising in me. I get excited. I can hear my voice change, feel the energy surging in my body. That doesn't happen when I talk/think about shamanic practice.
It has occurred to me that the clients who come to Kim's center might be just the kind of people who would be interested in what I have to offer as a spiritual director. Perhaps we will find synergy between our dreams, do mutual referrals when appropriate, or something like that. That would be great.
But I am beyond the days of needing to serve the dreams of others in order to have direction in my own life. I have my own dreams, and my own work to do. The task now is to be enough of an agent to make them happen.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-08 10:13 pm (UTC)Once again Kia Kaha!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-09 12:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-09 01:01 am (UTC)My own spiritual director has introduced me to a 2-year certificate program that is out of Vancouver, BC. It would take less time than SU, cost significantly less, and would involve primarily independent study and meeting with a small group of fellow students here. There would be a week-long residence once or twice a year at the Vancouver campus.
Right now I'm investigating and praying about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-09 05:27 am (UTC)P.S. I'm going to be in Seattle the first weekend of November. Lunch/coffee/tea/whatever? I'm mobile and mostly flexible.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-11 12:25 am (UTC)There's nothing on my calendar at the moment (except church on Sunday morning), so I can be flexible as well.
I know we exchanged emails last time Christine was over, but I don't think I still have yours. Do you have mine? We could firm up plans as the date gets closer, and exchange phone numbers.
Wow...
Date: 2005-10-09 06:22 pm (UTC)I just wanted to say, however you choose to sort things out, it sounds like you're really at a crossroads - a really thrilling point in your life! Ride it for all its worth. Those moments of feeling those vibrations... of feeling like every pore of your body is well and truly alive... those are amazing times.
Re: Wow...
Date: 2005-10-09 06:51 pm (UTC)I was hoping you'd make it over here. I added you as a friend a couple of days ago, and I'll go back and add you to my "spirit friends" filter. You can click on the tags "vocation" or "inner journeys" if you'd like more info about my path. It's been an amazing experience over the past couple of years, and -- actually -- all my life.
I'm currently on leave from a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality program, because of my shamanic studies. It's not that the seminary didn't support my explorations, it's just that I have only so much time and energy with a day job and a child. I'm hoping that as I continue to explore and to grow that I'll be able to continue to blend all my spiritual experiences into a path of service that will enable me to facilitate others finding their own best path to the Divine.