Tightening the Focus
Aug. 24th, 2005 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI had a few more realizations today.
I'm still not particularly interested in entering a long-term romantic partnership. I like being single. But I want that to be a choice, not a consequence of emotional paralysis.
Being open to love is not the same thing as wanting to be partnered. Not for me.
For almost as long as I can remember I've enjoyed close relationships with male friends: some as "just friends", some as boyfriends or (when I was older) lovers, some erotically charged friendships in which we never acknowledged the sparks, and more than a few instances in which I had a huge crush on someone who was just a friend or someone at a distance.
Maybe I'm strange, but I find great pleasure in charged friendships and unrequited crushes. I enjoy the feeling of infatuation, the heightened awareness, the intensity, the creative surges. Love for love's sake. Or passion for passion's sake. It doesn't matter if the other person returns those feelings or not.
Because this healing is not just about love, it's about passion. It's not about being open to having someone to hold me at night, or go out with on Saturday night, or share the everyday toils and joys. It's about really feeling alive. It's about burning with energy and intensity. It's about my erotic self flowering again, and with it all the juicy energy that fuels my creativity, and makes me take joy -- not just acceptance or mild pleasure -- in the company of others.
It's also about having more energy for my daughter, and more joy in her company. It's about feeling greater compassion for others, and being open to being moved by them.
I could be celibate for the rest of my life but still overflowing with passion and love.
I think I need to reassure my heart that "healing" does not automatically equate to "getting ready for a new romantic relationship." My heart will be free to set her own agenda, declare her own needs and her own boundaries.
I'm still not particularly interested in entering a long-term romantic partnership. I like being single. But I want that to be a choice, not a consequence of emotional paralysis.
Being open to love is not the same thing as wanting to be partnered. Not for me.
For almost as long as I can remember I've enjoyed close relationships with male friends: some as "just friends", some as boyfriends or (when I was older) lovers, some erotically charged friendships in which we never acknowledged the sparks, and more than a few instances in which I had a huge crush on someone who was just a friend or someone at a distance.
Maybe I'm strange, but I find great pleasure in charged friendships and unrequited crushes. I enjoy the feeling of infatuation, the heightened awareness, the intensity, the creative surges. Love for love's sake. Or passion for passion's sake. It doesn't matter if the other person returns those feelings or not.
Because this healing is not just about love, it's about passion. It's not about being open to having someone to hold me at night, or go out with on Saturday night, or share the everyday toils and joys. It's about really feeling alive. It's about burning with energy and intensity. It's about my erotic self flowering again, and with it all the juicy energy that fuels my creativity, and makes me take joy -- not just acceptance or mild pleasure -- in the company of others.
It's also about having more energy for my daughter, and more joy in her company. It's about feeling greater compassion for others, and being open to being moved by them.
I could be celibate for the rest of my life but still overflowing with passion and love.
I think I need to reassure my heart that "healing" does not automatically equate to "getting ready for a new romantic relationship." My heart will be free to set her own agenda, declare her own needs and her own boundaries.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-25 12:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-25 01:41 am (UTC)BTW, hold is your daughter?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-25 01:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-25 12:34 pm (UTC)Not for me, either. I've found in the past few years, as I have learned how to let go of unfulfilling emotional attachments, I have been more and more open to love...and more and more love has come to me. I am not partnered (and considering the opportunities I have had for partnerships--if you can call them "opportunities" or "partnerships"--that is truly for the best), but neither am I unloved. Far from it.
I want to be partnered, but far more than that, I want to be and am loved.
My heart will be free to set her own agenda, declare her own needs and her own boundaries.
I like this line a lot, because it speaks of being lovingly, appropriately self-aware and true to one's heart.