Changing the Story

[qos]

Recently I've been brought to realize that I've been telling a story about myself that no longer serves me. Most of you who have been reading my journal for more than a few months know this story. It's the one in which I am cast as the wounded survivor of two heartbreaks (first my divorce, then my post-marital relationship), who now has no interest in relationships. It's a story in which I am cool and accepting of my wounds, taking responsibility for my own actions and choices in the relationships, while still letting off the occasional rant about my ex'es. It's the story in which my heart has a sliver of ice in it, but I really don't mind.

It's not that the story hasn't been true, insofar as it goes. That's been my experience, my feelings, my attitudes.

But I heard myself telling the story recently (after my massage, during the energy work portion and the conversation that followed), and suddenly realized that I'm getting tired of it. That story has frozen me in time, kept me tied to that past far more tightly than I had realized. I'm not going to deny my history, but it's time to change the story about myself.

There's an interesting parallel in a story I'm reading now, The Courtesan, a historical fantasy novel, second in a trilogy about a family of witches. This sister, Gabrielle, had magic that expressed itself in an amazing talent with drawing and painting. It came from her soul, and it nurtured her. She was also incredibly beautiful. As a teen, she was raped by a young man who then inflicted on her one of the ancient, scandalous lies: "It was all your fault. You made me do it. Your magic drove me crazy." And -- being not only young and naive, but knowing the women in her family did have magic -- she believed him, and in her shame and horror, she shut down all her actual magic and has not lifted a pencil or paintbrush in all the years since. The place where her art used to be has been an aching void in her life that she vehemently denies.

Not only that, but she immediately began to think of herself as a heartless whore, a woman without honor, who used men. And that story has shaped the rest of her life.

Last night, Gabrielle suddenly reminded me of myself. One of the reasons I have not been open to love in the last few years is that I have also cast myself as a woman who is unfit for true love: I hurt those who love me, I'm too prickly and independent to be a partner, I'm not interested in meeting the needs of anyone beyond myself and my daughter. And maybe I'm not suited for long-term, intimate, living-together-or-married partnership -- but that's not the same as not being open to love.

And, like Gabrielle, my creativity went dormant when I was wounded by those I trusted and I took far too much responsibility for it.

I don't want to characterize either of my ex's as rapists. That would be taking the parallels too far. But neither of them have ever convinced me that they fully understand how they hurt me, nor took real responsibility for their part in the painful way things turned out. I do believe I have taken responsibility for what I did that contributed to the pain, and I have apologized fully and sincerely for it. At least, that's my story. I'm not fully certain what theirs are.

So. Going forward, I'm going to try to change this part of my story about who I am. I'm still figuring out what that story is going to be, how to honor the truth of the past without staying in the past.

But I am no longer content to define the lover-creator part of me as broken, frozen, or otherwise paralyzed by my past. I may not be fully functional yet, but I am moving forward, actively healing, beginning to create, beginning to feel, reaching inward and outward with trust that my passions will continue to strengthen.

Comments

[redfishie.livejournal.com]

thank you for writing that...it hits some paralleles about things i have been thinking lately as well.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I began to change the way I told my story this past Easter, so I can relate. Good for you!

[saskia139.livejournal.com]

Who is the author of the series you're reading? It sounds very interesting!

[qos.livejournal.com]

The author is Susan Carroll, and the first volume is The Dark Queen, which I enjoyed much more than this one.

[queenofhalves]

that sounds very positive.

lately i've been thinking about how there's a tendency in this society to believe that if you doesn't want a stable, "normal" marriage (whatever that is) and a house and a white picket fence or whatever, there's something wrong with you. but there are many, many valid models for relationships. i'm glad you're moving towards opening to some of those.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I managed to jettison the whole white-picket-fence model quite some time ago -- although not, alas, in time to prevent my marriage.

This issue is far more about forgiving myself for my past, and opening my heart again.

[queenofhalves]

ah, yes. i didn't mean you seemed to want a white picket fence -- just that because so many people seem to think *everyone* should want one, sometimes it's hard to figure out what the alternatives are, aside from just not having a romantic relationship.

[bbovenguy.livejournal.com]

Wow, parallels. I too had a marriage and a post-marital relationship, and now I have no interest in a new relationship. But I don't see myself as a "wounded survivor" - I have my wounds, sure, but that's true of everyone about one thing or another.

Oddly enough, the second relationship healed many of the wounds from the first. The first was really dysfunctional, and it took something healthier for me to realize some things about myself - like the fact that being in a relationship isn't really a priority for me. Before the second relationship, I always a the nagging doubt - Am I really not interested, or am I just hiding because the marriage was so bad? After the second one, even though I loved that second person very much and was hurt and saddened when the relationship ended, I was able to look at myself and realize that I didn't really want a lot of things that were a part of being in a relationship. So now a lot more about who I am and what I want.

And that was probably more than you needed to know, but there it is. :-) The bottom line is that moving forward is good, no matter which direction is "forward" for you.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing a bit more about yourself. :-)

I'm going to post a little later about the refinements of my realizations about how this heart-healing does and does not relate explicitly to "relationships."

[toesontheground.livejournal.com]

I do hope you find the love you need (in yourself, the universe, and elsewhere).
Peace, Barry

[amqu.livejournal.com]

I went through the same thing about a year ago. At first I felt a little stupid, like I'd been fooling myself. Then I realized it worked for me, and now it wasn't and I was smart enough to finally figure that out.

So good on you for being smart enough to figure out what's not working for you. It also means you're strong enough not to need to protect yourself that way anymore.

[rhonan.livejournal.com]

I told myself a story for many years. I told myself I was fat, ugly, and unlovable. That was the reality I created, yet I would then bitch about the way the world, and women, treated me. Fortunately, I learned that it was a story, and I learned I could tell a better one. My life now is not perfect, but it does inspire me to live it, and I enjoy my life every day.

[qos.livejournal.com]

That's inspiring to read. Thanks!

[rhonan.livejournal.com]

No, thank you!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

love the blue hair!

[quietearthling.livejournal.com]

What's the name of the novel?

[qos.livejournal.com]

It's called The Courtesan, by Susan Carroll. The first book of the series is The Dark Queen, which is a reference to Catherine de Medici.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I've been realizing of late that I have been living old Stories.
who I am now from my actions, my romantic life, my new adventures, doesn't fit with the "square" self image I persist in maintaining.

I've learned how to tell a different story about the divorce... after a long time of feeling the victim I realized the role I played and the mitigating factors on his part. He still did say some unforgivable things and never apologized or took credit for his mistakes, but it wasn't entirely his fault. 2 years after we separated, I can give him credit for the good things and encourage other people to know him. He can really be a nice guy, but I don't regret breaking off with him.

Now I need to construct a new self-story, one that embraces the sensual, adventurous, "out there" part of me, and which points more to the future I want to have than keeping me rooted to the old, tired soil I came from.

Thanks so much for posting this. It's wonderful to realize other folks are also in process of changing their self-stories. Liberating. Encouraging.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I think this is one of the great things about LiveJournal, at least for me: how the sharing of our stories encourages and affirms others.