Anger Eruption & The Fruits of Practice

Sometime early this morning I dreamed that I was in an apartment with my mother, my sister/daughter (Wolfling and my sister often seem to be a single person in my dreams), and a young woman who was a friend of my sister/daughter. Something in the conversation made me recall and mention that when I was in the 7th grade my best friend and I would sometimes put chocolate syrup on pepperoni pizza (not because we particularly liked it, but because it was a passion of a character we had created). My sister -- she was definitely my sister in that moment -- turned to me and asked if there might be a time when I didn't tell that story again.

I don't remember now what I said in response, but it was brief and bitter and not very nice -- earning me a rebuke from my mother, despite my 40+ years of age.

I lost it. I have never in my life utterly lost my composure with either of my parents, but in this dream I simply could not take any more. I started with an even more bitter pseudo-apology and then went into a litany of everything I've been dealing with for the past several years, starting with LM's death, then three moves, losing my job. . . In my dream it went on and on, and I didn't hold anything back. It was amazingly cathartic.

At the end of my eruption, my mother was contrite, I acknowledged that I had been snarky with my sister but did not retract my anger. I'm not sure now if I brought up the fact that she had been the first one to be unpleasant.

In the past, I've had what I call "screaming dreams" when I've felt like my boundaries were being violated. There's a confrontation and I start shouting so loudly that I wake up gasping, with a sore throat. Those dreams have always been ones of frustration and even fear, of feeling trapped and helpless. This dream was of a different quality. I felt liberated. Even now, the inside of my chest feels less tight.

I've been more consistent with my practice this week, including almost-daily Middle Pillars, and have been adding a breathing practice Thorn Coyle shares in Kissing the Limitless that includes images of unbinding -- something I've been wrestling with for months. Last night I also finally got to Malkuth in a Qabala meditation cycle in John Michael Greer's Paths of Wisdom. I feel pretty confident that last night's dream is a consequence of the confluence of these practices.

It's taken me well over a month to do the first cycle of Spheres in the above-mentioned meditation. I'm supposed to do one Sphere a day -- which means that a cycle should take ten days. I almost went back and started again after a long break, but it felt important to get through one cycle and finish it rather than keep restarting in an effort to be perfect. I now feel a sense of accomplishment, and am ready to start again with Kether tonight. The instructions say to do four complete cycles before moving on to the next stage. I reviewed the basic instructions again last night, and of course I'd lost track of the details. Starting tonight I'll refresh my memory with the instructions before I re-read the description of the Sphere. But still -- I'm not beating myself up over not having done it "right". I'm celebrating that I persisted and finished, and that I have been experiencing definite benefits, even with my imperfections, and feeling jazzed about starting again. And wow is that a difference for me!

Happy Birthday!

Belated Happy Birthday wishes to queenofhalves!

Have another one today on me!

Wishing you many blessings in the year to come. . .

Also. . .

Adopting a practice of asking my gods for help has also been important. I am one who abhors approaching the Divine as gumball machine, expecting treats to roll out in response to my every whim -- but in my desire to avoid showing disrespect or immature helplessness or unwillingness to take responsibility for my own well-being and results, I'd gone too far in the other direction.

Each night this week I've been asking for help: for help with my job and finances, for help guiding my daughter through some unexpected transitions, for help with growing as a priestess. I ask for help without expecting Them to drop everything in my lap, but with an awareness of my current limitations. My requests include an affirmation of my desire to be more effective at doing my share of the work in each of these areas.

Not only do I feel that my challenges are less overwhelming than they were a little while ago, I'm also feeling less lonely. And I can't tell you what a comfort that is.

Tarot Card Meme

Via jalkr and others:

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors. The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. She is well suited to do this because she strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that she can be stubborn and hidebound. At her best, she is wise and soothing, at her worst, she is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Choice

During the last six weeks at my temp job, I've logged more than 2,000 reports of violations of terms of service: images of extreme violence or sex, and vulgarity and profanity (sometimes in words, sometimes in images) directed at other users in comments. During this same period I've also reviewed at least as many violations reported by others. I've also viewed several thousand more animations that don't technically violate the terms of service but which are vulgar, in bad taste, and/or violent. And I just had an important realization.

I can respond to each of these animations -- and, by extension, their creators -- with frustration, revulsion, anger, resentment, and even despair. . . OR I can take a moment and send love and blessings to the creators.

Whether or not my few moments of blessing ever have an impact on the lives of these strangers, I know which choice will end up making my life better.