Ongoing Clarification, Miscellany

My ordination was February 14th.
Today is the first day since then that my energy has felt normal.
That's quite probably the longest high I've ever been on.
Somewhat to my surprise, I'm not crashing.
I should probably thank the daily magical-energy practices I've been doing.

As things settle out, I'm aware of feeling more deeply rooted than I've been in a long time.

And I'm aware of all the things yet undone -- but I feel a bit more capable of actually accomplishing them.

I'm going to be revisiting my Stephen Covey/7 Habits principles, starting with my mission statement. When I first started working the Covey system, my mission statement was "To bring light." "Light" to me meant the illumination of the mind, new ideas, different perspectives. It's one of the things I'm good at. But today I was realizing that it no longer quite fits as a mission statement.

Today, it feels more like my mission is more about living in the borderlands and reporting back. I'm not stopping with that; it's something I need to meditate on.

The three fundamental truths of my personal existence are these: I am a priestess of Ereshkigal; I am Lohain's wife; I am Wolfling's mother. It feels very strange to write those and realize that never before in my life have I defined my existence in terms of my relationships to others -- with the possible exception of my identity as "[Dad]'s Daughter." I've never been that kind of person. I seem to be changing. (What was your first clue, right?)

And yes, two of the three others in the above paragraph are non-incarnate. That's also a fundamental fact of my life.

My fundamental ethical values are what they have been for decades: Wisdom, Integrity, Courage, Tenderness, Humor. My other values include Creativity, Spirituality, Stability (I'm responsible, after all, for maintaining a stable life for Wolfling). I'm doing my best to add Fitness/Health to that list, but I'm still working on integrating it.

My To-Do List doesn't cycle through as often as I want it to. I have items that linger for months, items that relate to projects I supposedly care about. I'm working with a therapist right now on why that is, trying to get to the roots of some deep issues around avoidance and denial that stand in the way of becoming what I say I want to be, do what I want to do.

And of course that begs the question Do I actually want to do these things, achieve these goals? I believe so, but I have a hard time associating less-than-pleasant immediate tasks with the payoff of the goal in the future. It's embarrassingly childish.

There's more to process, but Wolfling and I are due at my parents' house for dinner soon.

Putting It *That* Way

As I indicated in my last entry, my therapist and I have been digging into the roots of why it's so difficult for me to "put myself out there" with my spiritual direction practice and associated activities, even though I've been getting nothing but positive affirmations on my path and my insights for years.

A few minutes ago I realized this: It's hard to be open and authentic in a fully public forum when your areas of specialty are three things usually not talked about in serious/respectable polite society: religion, sex, and death.

The fact that my specialities within religion and sex are firmly rooted in the "alternative" category makes it even more fraught.



I finally made a Facebook page last week, and like everyone else who does Facebook I quickly reconnected with old friends from high school and college. In my case, this includes two of my best girlfriends from high school -- both of whom seem to be very firmly rooted in the same Christian spirituality we all held growing up. I talk with one of them every year or so, and I haven't had more than three contacts with the other since leaving college. And yet, when I imagine being more honest about my life on my "About Me" note -- even the relatively tame version, I immediately imagine those two women being horrified and rejecting me.

Why should it matter after all these years? And why do I assume the worst instead of giving them credit for reacting in a positive -- or even neutral -- way? Why should the opinions of two women who were once dear friends but who haven't been substantively part of my life for more than two decades weigh more strongly with me than being authentic about the person I am today?

I just deleted several paragraphs as none of it was new or particularly insightful.

The question stands and needs to be addressed.