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I was just looking up one of my entries about last summer's initiation because I thought I was going to make a post about my conversation with my knife the other evening.
Instead, as I scanned the entry, I came upon these words:
You have passed the first two tests, but now you face the hardest tests of all. If you go forward, you must be ready to take complete responsibility for yourself. [. . .] You can not depend on others, but must take full sovereignty of your own life. Ereshkigal told me that it was necessary, because if I did not grow in strength and sovereignty, I could be broken by the path. You will not have to do this all at once, but you must commit to taking this responsibility. Are you willing to promise that?
I was, and I did.
And then I forgot that particular detail.
Last night as I settled into contemplation, I was led to think about my financial situation -- and it ended up being a real tough love conversation with Ereshkigal.
All my life I've been able to be fairly careless with my spending because there's always been a safety net. I've only had a couple of jobs that really paid well, but I've always seemed to have a talent for windfall: my parents' investement that they made to support my education coming to its final stages just as I really needed to pay off my student loans, my ex buying me out of my share of our home just before the housing market plummeted, and etc.
But when I was working with my finances this week, I became aware that my own cushion was getting a bit thin -- and I've sworn off being Daddy's girl and looking to him for the help that he always seems to offer just when I really need it. Besides, he and my mom are retired and -- like so many other retirees -- are being significantly impacted by the stock market troubles.
It was a scary conversation. I'm not in immediate danger, and over the past few weeks I've been more deliberate and responsible with my attention to my money and being more conservative in my spending than I've been in quite a while, so I know I can do it. But She asked me to really, really think about what might happen if I lost my job. Or if something else serious happened. I'm surrounded by family who won't let me go onto the streets, no matter what -- but I don't want to even have to think about that.
Of course: "not wanting to think about it" is exactly the attitude that's been preventing me from being a full grown-up about my money for the past several decades.
As my forgotten oath highlights, this is a matter of personal sovereignty: of taking full responsiblity for myself and my 'realm.' In other areas of my life I am very self-aware and responsible. Time to extend both self-awareness and responsibility into this area as well.
Instead, as I scanned the entry, I came upon these words:
You have passed the first two tests, but now you face the hardest tests of all. If you go forward, you must be ready to take complete responsibility for yourself. [. . .] You can not depend on others, but must take full sovereignty of your own life. Ereshkigal told me that it was necessary, because if I did not grow in strength and sovereignty, I could be broken by the path. You will not have to do this all at once, but you must commit to taking this responsibility. Are you willing to promise that?
I was, and I did.
And then I forgot that particular detail.
Last night as I settled into contemplation, I was led to think about my financial situation -- and it ended up being a real tough love conversation with Ereshkigal.
All my life I've been able to be fairly careless with my spending because there's always been a safety net. I've only had a couple of jobs that really paid well, but I've always seemed to have a talent for windfall: my parents' investement that they made to support my education coming to its final stages just as I really needed to pay off my student loans, my ex buying me out of my share of our home just before the housing market plummeted, and etc.
But when I was working with my finances this week, I became aware that my own cushion was getting a bit thin -- and I've sworn off being Daddy's girl and looking to him for the help that he always seems to offer just when I really need it. Besides, he and my mom are retired and -- like so many other retirees -- are being significantly impacted by the stock market troubles.
It was a scary conversation. I'm not in immediate danger, and over the past few weeks I've been more deliberate and responsible with my attention to my money and being more conservative in my spending than I've been in quite a while, so I know I can do it. But She asked me to really, really think about what might happen if I lost my job. Or if something else serious happened. I'm surrounded by family who won't let me go onto the streets, no matter what -- but I don't want to even have to think about that.
Of course: "not wanting to think about it" is exactly the attitude that's been preventing me from being a full grown-up about my money for the past several decades.
As my forgotten oath highlights, this is a matter of personal sovereignty: of taking full responsiblity for myself and my 'realm.' In other areas of my life I am very self-aware and responsible. Time to extend both self-awareness and responsibility into this area as well.
