Dreams of Progress - And Independence

Two nights ago I had an intensely bad dream that, upon waking, seemed to have been designed explicitly to give me a few insights into an issue I'm working on. What had been fairly frightening to experience now looked like a training scenario which offered insights I could take with me, and a test -- which I failed.

Last night, as part of an email conversation with my teacher and Scotty, he made the comment, "Your greatest skills are your greatest blocks." (He was referring to me specifically, not making a general observation.) I asked him to elaborate, and he said:

Well, for example, lass, your independence is a great asset, but it also leads you to kick against the pricks when you've got a regimen to follow. And that's not such a good idea when the regimen's to your benefit.

I sat there looking at those words and tried very hard to remember when anyone else had labeled me as "independent," -- and if in doing so they had made it an asset.

My ex-husband and not a few ex-lovers probably called me independent, but they certainly weren't comfortable with that quality. ("You're a great deal of trouble, Mrs. Pedecaris!" usually followed such an observation.)

My parents have always said that I "do what you want to do," with a sigh of resignation.

I've been called "outside the box" with varying degrees of appreciation and bewilderment.

For several years now I've struggled to come to terms with the fact that although I'm not comfortable within mainstream spirituality, it's been hard to release a desire to be accepted there. I've also realized that I don't fit within any of the 'name brand' Pagan paths (and I don't use that term disparagingly, only to say that there is no easily recognizable name for what I do).

I've felt like an outsider, felt defensive about "not fitting in" because I was raised to fit in, to seek approval and then build on it within official, codified structures. Instead, I'm out toward the corner of the map that says Here be dragons.

But "independent". . . that's an adjective I can embrace, and I'm stunned that I never really applied it to myself before. "Different", "outside the box", "edge-walker", "solitary", "unusual", "unique". . . I'd owned all of them, but never entirely comfortably. "Independent" is a gift.

And then last night I had a series of dreams in which I engaged my first daimonic figure, then people from work, and finally my father and my female ancestors, and each time I resisted their authority and their hold over me. I walked away from the first two and then confronted father and ancestors and explicitly claimed my own power in my own place.

Independent. Yes.

Higher Expectations

A month or so ago, I got the message from Ereshkigal that I was to do at least one practice every day.

And I have. But I've made it all too easy for myself to get away with just one practice.

Last night, Ereshkigal called me on it.

She did it after I'd had a long, difficult day which had included a painful medical procedure, after I'd had a good-sized drink with dinner and then a long soak in a hot jacuzzi. In short, She did it when I would have thought I wasn't good for much of anything.

First, She made sure I lit Her candle before starting my practice. Then She jerked me back to the altar when I moved away when I felt like it rather than when She was actually done with me. I was then reminded of a particular moment in my initiation when it was demonstrated to me what my status was relative to the gods.

Then She told me that my "minimum expectations" had been raised. I was to do at least two exercises a night, and one of them had to draw specifically on Underworld energy. It could be The Rising Light Below. It could be the Triple-Soul Alignment. It could be something I made up. But I had to draw on Underworld energy. I also needed to acknowledge Inanna and light her candle as well as Ereshkigal's and be conscious of my place between the altars.

There was definitely a sense that if I had been more conscientious, this would not have been put to me in quite this way. But since I'd shown myself too ready to do as little as possible, then "as little as possible" was going to be redefined.

Yes, I'm embarrassed. I'm also grateful that She is holding me to a higher standard. One of the reasons I'm working for a Bitch Goddess is that I tend to let myself cop out, even on important stuff, and I need someone who is willing to apply discipline.

When She released me from my place at Her altar and I did the rest of my practice, I was startled by how clear-headed I was and how easy and good it felt. I had been ready to let myself slide by with another one-practice night, but She showed me that I was actually capable of more than I was acknowledging.

It felt very powerful to stand between the altars. I stretched out a hand to each side, felt each goddess take a hand, felt the complementary energy pass through me. I prayed, words that don't need to be shared here and now, but rededicating myself and asking for the contrasting blessings they each represented.

And I asked to live as long as was necessary to do the work I'm supposed to do here on earth and then have a good, easy death, passing quickly and peacefully into LM's arms.

And I found myself wondering later. . . how many of us, in modern American culture, think of making a good death, and what that might mean?

Insight from Tonight's Practice

Don't just "Do the Middle Pillar" --
open yourself to the opportunity for transformation.