Higher Expectations

[qos]

A month or so ago, I got the message from Ereshkigal that I was to do at least one practice every day.

And I have. But I've made it all too easy for myself to get away with just one practice.

Last night, Ereshkigal called me on it.

She did it after I'd had a long, difficult day which had included a painful medical procedure, after I'd had a good-sized drink with dinner and then a long soak in a hot jacuzzi. In short, She did it when I would have thought I wasn't good for much of anything.

First, She made sure I lit Her candle before starting my practice. Then She jerked me back to the altar when I moved away when I felt like it rather than when She was actually done with me. I was then reminded of a particular moment in my initiation when it was demonstrated to me what my status was relative to the gods.

Then She told me that my "minimum expectations" had been raised. I was to do at least two exercises a night, and one of them had to draw specifically on Underworld energy. It could be The Rising Light Below. It could be the Triple-Soul Alignment. It could be something I made up. But I had to draw on Underworld energy. I also needed to acknowledge Inanna and light her candle as well as Ereshkigal's and be conscious of my place between the altars.

There was definitely a sense that if I had been more conscientious, this would not have been put to me in quite this way. But since I'd shown myself too ready to do as little as possible, then "as little as possible" was going to be redefined.

Yes, I'm embarrassed. I'm also grateful that She is holding me to a higher standard. One of the reasons I'm working for a Bitch Goddess is that I tend to let myself cop out, even on important stuff, and I need someone who is willing to apply discipline.

When She released me from my place at Her altar and I did the rest of my practice, I was startled by how clear-headed I was and how easy and good it felt. I had been ready to let myself slide by with another one-practice night, but She showed me that I was actually capable of more than I was acknowledging.

It felt very powerful to stand between the altars. I stretched out a hand to each side, felt each goddess take a hand, felt the complementary energy pass through me. I prayed, words that don't need to be shared here and now, but rededicating myself and asking for the contrasting blessings they each represented.

And I asked to live as long as was necessary to do the work I'm supposed to do here on earth and then have a good, easy death, passing quickly and peacefully into LM's arms.

And I found myself wondering later. . . how many of us, in modern American culture, think of making a good death, and what that might mean?

Comments

How wonderful

[purplevenus.livejournal.com]

When we get what we need despite our best efforts.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I want a Boss, too.

and your last question is a good one. I wonder if anyone studies perception of death expectations, not like funeral planning, but in something more than the idle, "yeah, I'd throw myself in front of a bullet in x situation..."

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. And in our culture, most people have so much fear around death, all they think about is how to live as long as possible -- and they avoid dealing with even the practical necessities of a will and other planning.

[wild-place-king.livejournal.com]

I dont't know what to respond, just that I needed to. Thank you for a beautiful post.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you for letting me know.

It always means a lot when what I write touches others.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

I think about the good death thing. But then I worked for a while with people who were dieing or about ready to. Gives one a chance to notice the inevitability of the event.

What I'm not interested in is getting into some kinda race about all the shit I imagine has to be finished before I die. If I am not present in each moment, if I am running to hurry and get shit done, then I'm missing the gifts I've been given.
On the other hand I'm not gonna beat myself up about not being perfectly present all the time either. That also is a great waste of attention.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

What I'm not interested in is getting into some kinda race about all the shit I imagine has to be finished before I die.

I'm not interested in this either -- but during the past year and a half of being near-suicidal due to grief, I had to be reminded forcibly a couple of times that it was not yet my time to leave this lifetime.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

I hear you.
Eternity stretches before us, behind us, in all directions. Whatever we feel needs to be done will be.

[oakmouse]

This (finding out that the practices actually make a positive difference even when you're crapped out) is the kind of thing one can be told and told and told and TOLD, but really it doesn't sink in until you learn it from direct experience. Congratulations; you've just learned it from direct experience.

Now don't be surprised if you have to learn it several times before it sticks. That's not unusual. But try to get it to stick the first time. ;)


Re: good death, I think many, perhaps most, Americans are too afraid of death to really let themselves think about it until it's upon them.

[queenofhalves]

tim leary's design for dying is pretty interesting.