Darkness

I've been wrestling recently with how to explain that I'm now working seriously with a "dark goddess" as part of my spirituality. It can be tough enough to describe Paganism in a way that people a) take seriously and b) don't get scared by -- but talking about working with an underworld goddess, and one with something of a bad reputation at that, doesn't make it any easier.

Not coincidentally, I've run across some discussions about bdsm recently that focus on the "dark" aspects as part of the attraction. Some people engage in bdsm because they delight in the sense of transgression. They like the thought that they're doing something "bad".

That's never been my kink.

What suddenly became clear to me during a discussion on this topic in another forum, is that I've contributed to my own frustration by allowing myself simply accept the whole "dark/light" dichotomy in the first place. Again, it's a weakness of the Queen of Swords archetype: a tendency to see or analyze things as an either/or model.

( The rest behind a cut, because it might get long and rambly, and some of you might not want to follow this train of thought. )

And maybe this is where things come full circle for me. As a priestess of a "dark goddess" part of my work is to be familiar with both positive and negative darkness and able to work in and with both. Ereshkigal is a mistress of the descent. She presides over the ordeals which overtake us -- whether voluntarily or otherwise -- and helps us transform them into growth experiences, to gain strength and wisdom from them. She is a guardian of boundaries (in contrast with Inanna, who transgresses boundaries) and her stories illustrate the power of righteous rage when she is violated.

I aspire to be an ordeal mistress, someone who can facilitate rituals which promote transformation, healing, and/or transcendence in the participant(s) through extremes of sensation and challenge. I want to be able to help a person move something they have kept in darkness into the light, whether that is the pain and shame of past injuries, or their own hidden strength and power -- or both, or more. (I also want to do this outside the context of ritual ordeals.)

Darkness can be the depths of the compost pile where things break down, ferment, and explode into new life. Darkness can be the quiet room where contemplation leads to peace. Darkness can be the apophatic perception of the Divine.

Darkness can be the shadows which scare us, our own personal monsters, which we have to face in order to claim their power.

To say "dark bad, light good" is to miss -- and misunderstand -- the richness of possibility for what can be found in the darkness.

Darkness: The Context of the Discourse

I've appreciated all the thoughtful comments on my previous post, and wanted to surface two of them for special attention, because they address the context of the discussions which prompted that post.

sharpchick asked: Who is making you feel as though you owe them an explanation?

If the folks looking to you for an explanation can't get it, then I think they are more focused on the word dark and what it means to them, and probably stop listening to you shortly after they hear the word. And if that's the case, then you'll never be able to make them understand what you mean.

I need to make clear that I don't feel like anyone has been acting as if I "owe them an explanation." The questions I've fielded have come from people whose experience of these things is limited, but who are expressing a sincere -- and sometimes courageous -- desire to understand me and my beliefs.

I'm struggling with my own baggage about "darkness" as much as anything. In fact, sometimes I think I've been projecting my own fears onto people who have actually been more than willing to listen to me with respect.

But sharpchick does make a good point about some people shutting down when they hear certain words. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I'm trying to find language that accurately reflects my path but which does not cause my listeners to tune out. That may not be possible in all cases, but I do feel that it is part of my calling to try.

queenofhalves said, you seem to be in a phase of wanting to be out and honest with many more people, which is great. but not every audience needs all the details of your practice or your views. i try to give people what they are able to understand, in the best words for them to understand it. i don't think i would speak very deeply of my connection to my gods in front of a non-pagan audience. it's just too private, and i'd rather focus on our points of overlap.

I try very hard to do the same: i try to give people what they are able to understand, in the best words for them to understand it. But it's hard when I'm trying to share something for which I still don't have all the words I need for myself.

I do try to focus on points of overlap, places where I can draw connections between concepts, experiences, or beliefs we have which are congruent -- or at least resonant. Again, the fact that I'm still somewhat new to this path makes it harder than it's been in the past.

As for the issue of privacy. . . my boundaries seem to be a lot wider than those of others. I'm very comfortable sharing things that most others consider far too personal or private. I do feel called to put that openness in the service of making the world a safer place for members of the "alt" communities, when I can do so without giving offense or putting myself at undue risk. I have no desire to be confrontational or to force others to listen to me. However I am starting to find more and more often that people who knew nothing about paganism or alternative sexuality before having conversations with me have expressed surprise that "those things" weren't as creepy or scary or dangerous as they had previously believed.

There are, of course, things I don't talk about. Some things are too personal to share, especially with those who don't have the right frame of reference. But that still leaves a great deal I can talk about in a variety of contexts.

Buying a Car

On Tuesday after work I'm going to do something I've never done before: go car shopping by myself.

I've done some browsing online and have found some promising models in the "pre-owned" inventory of some local dealers -- so I'm going to do some test drives.

The goal is a modest but reliable vehicle with very good gas mileage, at a low enough price that I'll be able to pay cash (after liquidating some of my investments from the buy-out of the house).

I wish I didn't have to do this right now, but since it's clear the current vehicle isn't going to last much longer, I feel it's necessary. Now that I'm committed, I've decided to enjoy it as an adventure -- and something of a rite of passage.