Between Tick and Tock*

*Extra points for the geeks who get the reference.


( First part behind a cut for those who think that talking -- and cuddling -- with the dead is creepy, delusional, or otherwise not within the bounds of credulity for them. )

You don't need to remember who you were. You need to choose who you want to be now, he told me -- and I had a sense of expansive possibilities. At this point, I shouldn't be thinking about changing who I am. I should simply be the amazing person I have the power to be.

It's the choosing to be that's key. I spent most of my life drifting, trusting that life would bring me what I needed, show me what I was supposed to do. I can't mature beyond this point by continuing to drift. I need to choose, to take action. I've been taking some actions, but they have been hobbled by an old sense of identity, by worries that I wasn't ready, that I was insufficient for the role I would be claiming if I followed through.

It frustrates me that I have to keep coming to this realization -- but at least it feels like each time I do, it sinks in more deeply.

The new aspect is this: the old me is gone. Lingering in this in-between state is perilous. I have two choices: to drift, inevitably dwindling as entropy takes a deeper and deeper hold -- or step forward and finally become the woman I have dreamed of being.

Drift in the void or dance among the stars -- the choice is mine.
The rest of my life is at stake.

"When I Go"

I discovered Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer a couple of years ago, thanks to tamnonlinear, who posted "Gentle Arms of Eden."

As the anniversary of uncrowned_king's death draws closer, my mind has been full of music about passing and grieving. Unfortunately, I can't find an embeddable performance of David & Tracy performing "When I Go" -- but Pat Wictor does a nice job, and begins by acknowledging Dave.

"Come lonely hunter, chieftain and king, I will fly like the falcon when I go. . ."