Between Tick and Tock*
May. 9th, 2008 05:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qos*Extra points for the geeks who get the reference.
After I made thge emptiness post last night, I went upstairs to do my usual spiritual practice -- but when I got to my bedroom, Uncrowned_King told me not to worry about it, to just come to bed so he could hold me. (Which was probably a first. He always strongly encourages me to be faithful to my practices.) I was having a hard time feeling him, and found myself wishing that the hematite ring he'd given me was still whole, so I could use it as a focus to perceive him more clearly.
It still exists in the Otherworld, he told me. Feel it on your finger, feel the energy I put into it, and then feel it connect to me. What you're missing right now isn't as much the body as my energy. That energy is still here for you. I did as he suggested and was startled by how vividly I could feel the ring and then the link to him. I felt his energy around me, holding me, and in less than a minute was deeply relaxed -- a real contrast to the aching loneliness of mere minutes before.
As he held me, I expressed my frustration with feeling empty in my sense of self as well as empty emotionally and socially. "I need to remember myself," I said.
No, he said gently, and reminded me of the years prior to meeting him during which I had felt myself in a long process of shedding old stories of self, old identites, but hadn't yet become someone new. I thought I'd achieved that new self in the year+ I spent with him and _storyteller_, but most of that time was about learning to love again, and about who I was with them. Now that both are gone from my daily life, and the worst of the grief for his passing has ebbed, the rawness of the fledgling self has been exposed.
You don't need to remember who you were. You need to choose who you want to be now, he told me -- and I had a sense of expansive possibilities. At this point, I shouldn't be thinking about changing who I am. I should simply be the amazing person I have the power to be.
It's the choosing to be that's key. I spent most of my life drifting, trusting that life would bring me what I needed, show me what I was supposed to do. I can't mature beyond this point by continuing to drift. I need to choose, to take action. I've been taking some actions, but they have been hobbled by an old sense of identity, by worries that I wasn't ready, that I was insufficient for the role I would be claiming if I followed through.
It frustrates me that I have to keep coming to this realization -- but at least it feels like each time I do, it sinks in more deeply.
The new aspect is this: the old me is gone. Lingering in this in-between state is perilous. I have two choices: to drift, inevitably dwindling as entropy takes a deeper and deeper hold -- or step forward and finally become the woman I have dreamed of being.
Drift in the void or dance among the stars -- the choice is mine.
The rest of my life is at stake.
After I made thge emptiness post last night, I went upstairs to do my usual spiritual practice -- but when I got to my bedroom, Uncrowned_King told me not to worry about it, to just come to bed so he could hold me. (Which was probably a first. He always strongly encourages me to be faithful to my practices.) I was having a hard time feeling him, and found myself wishing that the hematite ring he'd given me was still whole, so I could use it as a focus to perceive him more clearly.
It still exists in the Otherworld, he told me. Feel it on your finger, feel the energy I put into it, and then feel it connect to me. What you're missing right now isn't as much the body as my energy. That energy is still here for you. I did as he suggested and was startled by how vividly I could feel the ring and then the link to him. I felt his energy around me, holding me, and in less than a minute was deeply relaxed -- a real contrast to the aching loneliness of mere minutes before.
As he held me, I expressed my frustration with feeling empty in my sense of self as well as empty emotionally and socially. "I need to remember myself," I said.
No, he said gently, and reminded me of the years prior to meeting him during which I had felt myself in a long process of shedding old stories of self, old identites, but hadn't yet become someone new. I thought I'd achieved that new self in the year+ I spent with him and _storyteller_, but most of that time was about learning to love again, and about who I was with them. Now that both are gone from my daily life, and the worst of the grief for his passing has ebbed, the rawness of the fledgling self has been exposed.
You don't need to remember who you were. You need to choose who you want to be now, he told me -- and I had a sense of expansive possibilities. At this point, I shouldn't be thinking about changing who I am. I should simply be the amazing person I have the power to be.
It's the choosing to be that's key. I spent most of my life drifting, trusting that life would bring me what I needed, show me what I was supposed to do. I can't mature beyond this point by continuing to drift. I need to choose, to take action. I've been taking some actions, but they have been hobbled by an old sense of identity, by worries that I wasn't ready, that I was insufficient for the role I would be claiming if I followed through.
It frustrates me that I have to keep coming to this realization -- but at least it feels like each time I do, it sinks in more deeply.
The new aspect is this: the old me is gone. Lingering in this in-between state is perilous. I have two choices: to drift, inevitably dwindling as entropy takes a deeper and deeper hold -- or step forward and finally become the woman I have dreamed of being.
Drift in the void or dance among the stars -- the choice is mine.
The rest of my life is at stake.
