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Keeping Faith With My Dreams
Aug. 21st, 2007 06:15 amYesterday I found myself in tears in the cafeteria at work. I was talking with one of the few people there with whom I'm honest about my vocational aspirations. I mentioned needing to do the classic exercise of writing down what I really want in my life --- and then had to stop because I was suddenly crying. Because one of the very, very few things I've truly wanted with all my heart in my adult life was to live with Lohain on my sacred island and build a house with him.
It was one of the last things we talked about the morning that he died. I was with him, lying next to him, and realizing that he was dying. I couldn't say it out loud, so I said instead, "I really, really want to build that house on ___ together."
"I do too," he replied, voice husky. And I think that's when I started crying.
And he's dead now, and that's not going to happen.
And somehow yesterday the loss of that dream utterly undermined every other dream I could have, threw it all into doubt. Totally non-rational, but emotionally overwhelming. I couldn't say anything for a full minute, just sat there with tears streaming down my face. And my friend, bless her heart, waited silently for me, patiently.
He'd growl at me if I even considered letting his death rob me of hope, of ambition, of my dreams. And in reality, I'm closer than ever before to the dream of being a spiritual director. But sometimes the heart is an all-or-nothing organ -- and yesterday, for those few minutes, I was overwhelmed by The Nothing.
It was one of the last things we talked about the morning that he died. I was with him, lying next to him, and realizing that he was dying. I couldn't say it out loud, so I said instead, "I really, really want to build that house on ___ together."
"I do too," he replied, voice husky. And I think that's when I started crying.
And he's dead now, and that's not going to happen.
And somehow yesterday the loss of that dream utterly undermined every other dream I could have, threw it all into doubt. Totally non-rational, but emotionally overwhelming. I couldn't say anything for a full minute, just sat there with tears streaming down my face. And my friend, bless her heart, waited silently for me, patiently.
He'd growl at me if I even considered letting his death rob me of hope, of ambition, of my dreams. And in reality, I'm closer than ever before to the dream of being a spiritual director. But sometimes the heart is an all-or-nothing organ -- and yesterday, for those few minutes, I was overwhelmed by The Nothing.
