Going Within Again

Yesterday during my spiritual direction session with Tom, I shared my frustration with my lack of quiet/alone/spiritual/creative time. It's something that's been on my mind for quite a while now, but it was only during my session that I acknowledged just how crucial it is -- not just for 'my spiritual life' but for me being me. I determined that I would dedicate at least 20 minutes a day to meditation/inner reflection and take at least one two-hour mini-retreat a week.

So last night after dinner and chores, I retired to my room, shut the door, and lay down on the bed. Unlike most past times when I've done this, there was not an immediate rush of closeness with the Divine -- but the darkness and silence was rich. I focused on my desire for God, my willingness to be changed and my trust that that would happen irregardless of what sensations I perceived.

A little while later I had the image of approaching a reception desk in an anonymous lobby. The figure standing behind the desk was angelic, in a generic functionary way. "Why are you here?" he asked.

I took the question seriously and started to reflect on what I hoped to gain from reconnecting with my inner world. As I started to frame my response, I also got a sense of being questioned about my connection to whoever/whatever lay beyond this point, something along the lines of "are you expected?"

I let the angelic receptionist frame the encounter for a while, then suddenly recognized it for what it was: the inner world equivalent of a robot. I smashed the scene, and it cracked and burst into pieces like the backdrop of a theatrical flat, and behind it I found a lush, colorful jungle which I leaped into with abandon.

I was Panther Woman [9 Chickweed Lane readers will recognize the semi-humorous alter-ego reference], vine-swinging through the jungle with my black panther companion, realizing that my inner world has become very tame: all manicured lawns and pretty fountains and well-kept paths. Even the Wood where I was lost a couple of years ago has been replaced by the circle of stones and the community on the other side. My inner world used to be a wild, exotic place, a place of extremes, my wild place where my imagination and sense of self were unfettered.

It's time to be wild inside again.

I'm not going to worry about "doing meditation" or pursuing a particular type of prayer right now. It's time to re-discover who I am inside, where I am purely myself. When I'm back in touch with that, what I need spiritually will arise naturally.

The Good & The Bad

I hate snow. And I'm disappointed that I'm missing a long-anticipated dinner with rocket_jockey because I'm too worried about getting home afterward to drive north to his place.

On the positive side, this was the first specific feedback I had from my new boss today:

I talked with my former admin yesterday. We're good friends. She asked me what my new admin was like. I told her "She's sharper than you. You know how to handle my occasional moodiness, but this one is two steps ahead of me all the time." I was teasing her of course, but. . . you give me so much more than I'm used to. I'm delighted.

I'm delighted too, of course!
And I haven't even come close to breaking a sweat working for him. ;-)

In the more subtle aspect of life: I feel much more mentally alert and clear today than I have for a long time, and I'm crediting last night's meditation/journey. There's certainly been no other variable that's noticably different. I got home as physically tired as usual, but not feeling 'mostly dead' mentally.

Tomorrow the electricians come and bring our system up to code! Thanks to a_belletrist's P who told me that our fuse box is a couple of generations out of date. Hopefully they will also be able to fix my dead outlet, but that may need to be another appointment.

Oh Bother

I can't find either of the estimates for the work we're having done on the house: not the electric, not the new furnace. And the estimates have the info about what time the electricians are showing up tomorrow. And the agreed on price. And the phone number of the company.