On Engaging Resistance

[qos]

One of the things I've struggled with from the beginning in my hermetic magic training is a strong sense of internal resistance whenever I approach a practice or ritual.

It's hard to find the words to explain how I know, but it's been clear all along that this is not a personal resistance. It's something the reaches beyond my own instincts or intuition. I feel no fear, no sense of wrongness; my personal gut check comes back clear.

What comes up is a sense of hard push-back, a silent cry of don't-wanna! and sudden fatigue.

It was the same this morning as it's been just about every other morning that I've set out to do my daily practice. But this time, instead of trying to ignore and muscle through the resistance, I stopped and gently asked it Why are you afraid of this? What is the matter?

I didn't get a clear answer, but I stayed engaged with the resistance several minutes -- not pushing back, but quietly acknowledging, even honoring it. I also visualized a golden light radiating love and warmth into the place in my body where the resistance is centered, and asked my allies for help in working out whatever issues are caught up in the tangled knots I sense at its root.

The resistance didn't vaporize, but it did ease, and the practices that followed were smoother and more grounded than they usually are -- I assume because I wasn't exerting a lot of energy just to move through them.

I suspect that this is not the first time in the last several years that I've done this, but I have no clear memory if I have, and it's not something that's happened more than once or twice before at the most.

There's a lot of shifting going on right now. . . Since the weekend of LM's birthday and my soul retrieval, to my Beltane work, to some important new self awareness growing out of a book I'm reading (more on which later), I feel like I'm moving forward again in ways I can actually see.

Comments

[wyldlingspirit.livejournal.com]

There's usually a damn good reason for resistance, even if we don't see it right away.

I deal with it all the time. I'm a comfort-loving git and will balk at anything that makes me uncomfortable, even knowing that what's making me uncomfortable is probably good for me. Facing this with honesty helps make me a better person.

But there are other reasons why I instinctively dig in my claws and balk. Some exercises that might seem innocuous enough to most people scare me. My instinct says This could damage me! and I respond accordingly even when I don't know why. Trying to "be reasonable" and just push past it has caused panic attacks. When I keep trying to do these things despite my reaction, or work around my reaction, EVERYTHING grinds to a halt and I backslide in my development.

So, engaging resistance is of value, whatever the resistance is. Shoving it away, bulling past it, or hiding under the bed won't solve anything. Thank you for this reminder.

[oakmouse]

You've done it before; I remember you telling me about doing that kind of thing, maybe three or four times? Anyway, more than once. Still, it's good that you're doing it now.