My Father

[qos]

I actually read this entry in my sister's journal after I posted my previous entry.

As most of you know, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's last year. The symptoms are becoming more obvious now: a heaviness in his legs as he walks is the most obvious.

But he is visiting my sister right now, and she writes that he asked her 5 times in one day where her second dog came from.

Our father is a very bright man, someone who pays attention and remembers things. He has two Ph.D.'s and he is currently serving as chairman of the board of trustees for a major HMO. This is not like him. And because he is a man whose mental brilliance is so much a part of who he is -- or at least how we understand him -- it is especially unnerving.

Ok. Scary. Scary in the most primitive of ways.

Our maternal grandmother developed Alzheimer's when we were in high school, and she lived with us for a couple of years as the disease slowly consumed her. It affected both my sister and me very deeply, and I think that since then we both have always been afraid, deep in the backs of our minds, that it will happen again: to our parents, and then to us.

I'd like to ascribe his absent-mindedness about her dog to the fact that he has never been a fan of her pets, and that he simply doesn't care about where this one came from, not really. But there have been moments during the past few months when I've seen the same thing happen.

I don't want to lose my father. I particularly do not want to watch him decline into Alzheimer's.

I "dealt" with my grandmother's condition by ignoring her existence, insofar as was possible. But I'll be damned if I do that again. One of the reasons I am doing what I am in the career/vocational field is that I have had a deep, gut sense for several years now that my parents were going to need me right here, not off in the midwest or east coast pastoring one of the few congregations in my denomination. It was right and proper for my sister to move when and where she did. But I believe that part of my calling is to be the one who is here for my parents.

I don't feel any better than I did when I posted the Hamlet quote a few minutes ago. But I feel less lost than I did. Last night, I really was thinking that it wouldn't matter much if I died. There wasn't a lot of point to my life, and certainly no real joy to it. (This is not something I've felt for a very long time.) But this prospect of my father's illness getting much worse than I had been willing to contemplate at least gives me an "enemy" to fight, some purpose bigger than myself to focus on. My own life, which seems so small and gray and joyless right now, suddenly is being snapped back into proper perspective.

To those of you who pray: please remember my family and me right now. I think we're going to need it.
I know I need it right now. I just started to cry, and I feel very much alone.

Comments

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am so so so sorry to read this. This is definitely one of my worst fears. My own father has developed tremors over the past couple of years and has gotten progressively weaker, but he refuses to talk about it, and it's scary. I will keep you and your father in my prayers. *hugs*

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Iswari.

My one comfort is that while Dad is a private man, and not one to complain, he is also brave enough to face up to what is going on, and is willing to talk about it with us. He doesn't do it very often, but it's not a forbidden topic. So that helps.

[toesontheground.livejournal.com]

I am sorry that this is happening to your father and also that you have been feeling depressed.

*big hug*
your virtual friend
Barry

[qos.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

My dear Barry, we may only communicate with each other online, but when I think of you, I don't put "virtual" in front of "friend."

Thank you for your good wishes.

[saskia139.livejournal.com]

You have my phone number--call me if you need to. I'm here. You'll be in my prayers.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Danae.

I took my daughter to see "The Incredibles" this evening, then made a roast while we played Star Wars Monopoly, so I've been doing better.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

I've been there. I know how it feels.

It seems like you are going to be very much needed by your parents.

Fight the good fight...

love,

Tony

[qos.livejournal.com]

My heartfelt thanks, Tony.

[aerden.livejournal.com]

QoS--*Hugs* My grandfather has it, and he fortunately still has my grandmother and the rest of the family to look after him, but it is hard seeing the things he forgets, the way he is silent during conversations now, when he used to talk more, and so on.

One of the most frightening books I ever read was Hannah's Heirs, and this is why.

Chantal

[qos.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family too.

Thanks.

[grailquestion.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know what made you so depressed before this, but don't forget to care for yourself in the midst of everything.

I'll be thinking of you. You've been a bit of an inspiration to me.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs and the thoughts. This weekend I have been focusing on taking care of myself: eating well, drinking water, resting, gently asserting control over those aspects of my life where I do have control, so I'm feeling a little better.

At the risk of sounding like I'm shamelessly fishing, may I ask what it is about me that has inspired you?

[grailquestion.livejournal.com]

You're strong, you've had your setbacks but you're getting and keeping things together, and you're continuously learning. You're studying something I find fascinating, as well.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

One of the issues of this past weekend was feeling like I didn't have anything to contribute to the world. Being able to read your words is especially gratifying right now.

[southernselkie.livejournal.com]

I >need< you. Don't even >think< of going anywhere, and I am here to for you. I think it's a time of growing closer for us. I pray for us all... all the time.

Love you

[qos.livejournal.com]

Now there's a turn-around in the roles, isn't it?

:-)

Don't worry. It's nowhere near bad enough for me to truly consider "going anywhere." But it has been a few real bad days as Babe said.

I'm feeling a bit better this morning. I think this may just be a long "down" cycle -- but if it doesn't clear up in a few more days I will call the doc.

[queenofhalves]

prayers coming your way. and hugs too.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Christine.

[gothic-coop.livejournal.com]

You know I really wish I had read this sooner. I will add this to my things I pray about every night.

What ever I could do, when ever you would need someone you could call on me.