Truth and Ecstasy

[qos]

Last night while meditating (and bless Wolfling for urging me to get up from my desk and go do my practices like I said I needed to!), I was in a wordless place connecting with Divine light (Kether-Tiphareth), and became keenly aware that *this* -- an intimate connection to the Divine -- is what I've always longed for. I have very real frustration, even grief sometimes, about my lack of satisfaction in my career life, but that frustration is accompanied by the awareness that the reason I don't have the kind of career I thought I would is that ultimately I don't really care about those things, and I have refused to go through the motions in order to achieve ends that don't interest me.

So what have I been looking for? I asked myself and the Light.

The answer rose up within me: Truth and ecstasy.

I want to know, to understand, to have wisdom. And I want to live passionately, from my depths, and touch the heights. I want the transcendent, the joyous, the all-consuming.

Committing to a path that involves less than that has always felt like a sin -- although the gods know I've done it often enough.

Comments

[rainstardragon.livejournal.com]

I'm rather surprised that it took you this long to find that. During the time I've known you, your posts often sounded like you already knew it. Perhaps you had just forgotten and have been reminded?

Very good job to the Wolfling for encouraging you to take the time to do your practices. I always love to read about it when she helps you. It's always nice when they remind us, Athena tends to do that too (and sometimes that's about as "gentle" as her namesake has been known to do).

Now, it seems that the task is bringing truth and ecstasy into all aspects of your life, a step at a time? I'm sure you could figure out a way to have a career that involves you having truth and ecstasy so that even that fits with who you are. You're making progress.

Thank you for the comment on the kamigakari post the other day, by the way. That really meant a lot.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you had just forgotten and have been reminded?
There's been an emotional shift. Previously the focus was on taking responsiblity for not liking elements of the way my life has turned out. This is a more potent affirmation of the positive impact of making those choices.

I'm sorry I don't comment more often. I'm doing a lot of LJ skimming for the past several months, and have been leaving far fewer comments on friends' journals.

[rainstardragon.livejournal.com]

I know, and it's ok. You've been doing a lot of internal work lately, so I rather expect not to see you comment often. I'm just glad that you maintain yours so that you can chronicle your journey. I don't feels so alone in my path knowing that there are others out there on similar journeys, and seeing the evidence of their passing.

[alfrecht.livejournal.com]

I can certainly empathize...Perhaps not 100% with your own goals (though I share parts of them), but with the utter lack of interest in "doing the career thing" outside of my own interests, and feeling it is utterly wrong to sell myself out like that.

Keep fighting the good fight!

[heron61.livejournal.com]

The details of your belief and mine and of your practice and my (of late, far too neglected) practice differ greatly, but the goals and desires are remarkably similar.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I've gotten that impression as well.