Deepening My Practice, From the Inside Out

[qos]

Since I started on this path, the main challenge has been to keep up my daily practice. In order to achieve this, I have let myself concentrate on doing "just enough to count" and feeling free to be imperfect. And that has served its purpose. Doing my practices has started to become a genuine habit. I'm not sure that it ever would have reached that point if I had insisted to myself (or my teacher had demanded) that I do everything each day and do it perfectly. Showing up and doing the best I could in that moment has been sufficient. I've felt vague pangs of guilt during this time for not doing better, but I pushed them down, telling myself that it was enough to just "do it as best I can."

Recently things have started shifting internally. As I mentioned here a week or two ago, I've started to realize that I really need to get better at focus and concentration. I've known that all along, of course, but it's starting to feel important that I do something about it.

Yesterday I also started realizing that I need to set aside more time, earlier in the day, to allow for better clarity and more time to do more work. This too is something I've 'known' all along, in that same half-guilty way. The difference is that now that desire has the impetus of being an authentic inner prompting, not just a nagging sense of duty.

I have four priorities in my life right now: my job, my kid, my spiritual work, and my household responsibilities. In a pinch, the fourth of those gets to slide. My kid is a growing-up, independent creature who still needs a lot of my attention but is perfectly fine doing her own thing. I need to talk with her about this need, and discuss when it will work for *both* of us for me to retreat and take care of my inner work. I can't do it if I feel like I'm short-changing her on the time she needs from me. In theory, the best time for me to do my inner work is when she does her homework. I just need to feel like I'm not abandoning her when she needs me.

I'm aware as I write this that on some level I've been using her as an excuse to not do the work. She's certainly old enough to understand what I do and the importance of it, and she can certainly spare my presence for 30-45 minutes.

I want to do more than I'm doing. I want to progress in ways I have not yet been able to. I want to experience things which still lie beyond my reach. I want to be a more effective priestess.

Comments

[oakmouse]

You now understand the point of doing the work other than a nagging sense of duty. That's a very important milestone.

[oakmouse]

Sorry, that was supposed to say "other than satisfying a nagging sense of duty.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Yes. There's a big difference between *having faith* that the daily practices are important, and starting to *understand* why they are important.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Still wishing you were on the same coast...
Our work has many corresponding echoes.
I genuinely enjoy reading all your writing. I promise more in the future.