A Question of Pain

[qos]

toesontheground posted a 50 question meme in his journal the other day. I don't have the time to answer the whole quiz, but one question in particular caught my attention: Which is worse -- emotional pain, or physical pain?

I suspect I am in the minority on this, but my own answer is that physical pain is worse.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have had my marriage come apart. I suffered nine months of post-partum depression before I was diagnosed and put on medications. I experienced an existential crisis that put me in such significant, drawn-out pain that I eventually could see the place down the road where I would choose to commit suicide rather than go on.

I don't pretend that I have suffered anywhere near as much emotional pain as some, and it's not a competition, I'm just expressing that I've experienced a few things that literally left me curled up on the floor screaming hysterically into pillows because it hurt so badly and I felt so helpless. They were significant enough emotional pains for them to be initiatory ordeals -- by which I mean that I was not the same person after them that I was before.

In contrast, the physical pains that I have experienced are relatively mild. Pregnancy, child birth, post-partum physical complications (I'll spare you all the details), a gall bladder that had to be removed, having my jaw broken (under anesthesia) and wired shut. Not fun -- but hardly torture or major trauma.

And yet, for me physical pain is worse, because the feelings of helplessness are worse. With emotional pain, I have a sense of perspective: I have been in the depths, and I have come out again. I know that the wheel turns, that I have friends & family who will stick by me, and that I have choices even in the worst circumstances about how I am going to feel about it.

Pain drops me straight back into childhood. I lose my nerve. I feel like I am broken - or on the verge of breaking - and there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't know if it's going to get better. I like to be in control, or to feel that I can exert control, and I never feel as if I can exert control over the roots of physical pain. I feel dependent, helpless, weak. Physical pain brings emotional pain with it. Emotional pain on its own is easier for me to cope with.

Comments

[moonborn.livejournal.com]

Pain drops me straight back into childhood. I lose my nerve. I feel like I am broken - or on the verge of breaking - and there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't know if it's going to get better.

I think this is probably most people's reaction to pain. For myself I concur with your reasoning, but would swap 'physical' with 'emotional' - it's the inner pain I feel as if I have no control over. The physical pain, I can do something physical to abate - or worsen (hence the throwing myself around a bit, in an earlier lj entry). My heart beats me up on a regular basis however, and against it I have no protection.