Intimacy Dream
Oct. 15th, 2009 04:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI met my first boyfriend when we were in the 8th grade, although we did not begin dating until the spring of our sophomore year of high school. Our relationship was rather tempestuous, with several rounds of being together and breaking up that continued into our college years. What was special about him, however, was that we managed to remain best friends even during most of the times we were not together romantically, and he was one of the people who helped me escape from the emotionally abusive relationship I was in just after I graduated from college. We became estranged shortly after Wolfling was born, but reconciled last year. He has always been an important figure in my life.
I do not experience any romantic or sexual chemistry with him anymore, but a few times during the past couple of years I've dreamed about the two of us being intimate again. We talked on the phone yesterday evening, and last night I had one of those dreams -- and it felt more self-conscious than usual.
These dreams never explain how we got to the point of intimacy. We're just there, on the brink, and kind of fall into it. In last night's dream we were someplace that was 'my' space: my home or my hotel room or something, and he became more yang in a sexual manner. I don't want to write "aggressive" because that might imply a lack of actual consent on my part. In my dream, I was certainly willing, even though I played at resistance.
We ended up in bed, me fighting and him asserting dominance and control because we were both enjoying it -- until I realized that I wasn't. And then something external happened to break the encounter, and we were out of bed, and I was doing something else and he was deliberately giving me space until I indicated that I was ready and willing to engage again. And I realized that I didn't. I realized that on some level I had enjoyed what was happening, but ultimately I didn't want it, couldn't take it any further -- because he wasn't LM. And I told him I couldn't go on. I don't think I told him why, however. I may have woken up at that point.
Beyond that exchange, it was another night of dreams involving moving -- often in ways that violated normal traffic rules -- and searching, surrounded by figures from my life. So far, I've never found whatever it was in the dream I was looking for.
I do not experience any romantic or sexual chemistry with him anymore, but a few times during the past couple of years I've dreamed about the two of us being intimate again. We talked on the phone yesterday evening, and last night I had one of those dreams -- and it felt more self-conscious than usual.
These dreams never explain how we got to the point of intimacy. We're just there, on the brink, and kind of fall into it. In last night's dream we were someplace that was 'my' space: my home or my hotel room or something, and he became more yang in a sexual manner. I don't want to write "aggressive" because that might imply a lack of actual consent on my part. In my dream, I was certainly willing, even though I played at resistance.
We ended up in bed, me fighting and him asserting dominance and control because we were both enjoying it -- until I realized that I wasn't. And then something external happened to break the encounter, and we were out of bed, and I was doing something else and he was deliberately giving me space until I indicated that I was ready and willing to engage again. And I realized that I didn't. I realized that on some level I had enjoyed what was happening, but ultimately I didn't want it, couldn't take it any further -- because he wasn't LM. And I told him I couldn't go on. I don't think I told him why, however. I may have woken up at that point.
Beyond that exchange, it was another night of dreams involving moving -- often in ways that violated normal traffic rules -- and searching, surrounded by figures from my life. So far, I've never found whatever it was in the dream I was looking for.
