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qosOn Thursday I had a fascinating experience with shifting energy in my body, one that led to a couple of important insights.
I was home sick that day, after Wolfling had the flu for three days and I spent most of the earliest hours of the morning awake, in a mild fever, and fraught with fear and pessimism about my ability to provide for myself and my child in the years to come. I got up sometime after 9am, twiddled around the computer for a while, then took some aspirin and went back to bed. I didn't fall asleep, but eventually the headache which had plagued me all morning subsided.
I lay there in bed and realized that my energy was too jangled to sleep. I called on LM, and he helped me "comb out" the tangles -- but then I realized that it felt like my center was full of the energetic equivalent of pus. I had the unusual desire to take a spiritual knife to the place and lance myself, letting all the nastiness drain away.
Hmmm. . . . just now remembering that it's only been a few week since I felt like I was putting my guts back into that space. Maybe this is an indication of a need for additional healing around that process. . .
My phone beeped, and I found a site notification from a friend, A, asking if I was alright, because he hadn't seen me online for a while. I decided I might as well get up. I logged into chat, and one of the first things he said was that it felt to him as if I was "filled with miasma" -- which startled me. He then strongly suggested that I do a full-day cleanse.
I spent another hour or so chatting with him and another mutual friend, and then I called the instructor of a bdsm workshop for which I had volunteered to assist. It's called "Pack Attack" and is about safely staging and carrying out full-resistance hard take-downs -- a favorite scenario of mine. We talked for a while, he said he'd be happy to have me on board, and I went back to the computer feeling light and clear inside.
The change in my energy was truly striking. I resumed my conversation with A and our mutual friend C, sharing the shift, and C suggested that this would be a good for me to do some clearing. I agreed, and typed that I should go do my daily practices, including a Middle Pillar.
Immediately my energy shifted again: my head suddenly felt thick, my neck got a crick in it, and I felt a dull pressure everywhere. The overall impact was one of "No, no, no. . . Can't do it, too much. . . Dunwanna. . ."
I got up and went into my bedroom, where I do my practices -- but instead of trying to muscle my way through the exercises, which is my usual tendency, I went into meditation: to ask the resistance what its roots were, what it feared, what it wanted.
There were no answers -- but as I calmed and centered myself and faced the resistance, it slowly melted away. I wasn't quite as shiny-bright as I had been immediately after my conversation about the workshop, but the heaviness was gone. I got up and did my practice cycle and it felt good.
Then I called my teacher to tell her about the experience. We agreed that this is pretty firm support for the hypothesis that I have some kind of binding that's trying to keep me from this particular aspect of my work. We don't know where it comes from, but a past-life situation seems the most likely, that someone -- whether myself or someone(s) else -- at some point decided that it was not desireable to have me practicing ceremonial magic.
I'm intrigued and curious about the possibilities, but I'm not going to spend much energy worrying about when/why/how. My immediate task is to continue to do the work of facing my internal obstacles as they arise. When I flail and growl and get upset, they get stronger. When I sit quietly and look them in the eye, they slink away.
The challenge is remembering to stop and look them in the eye rather than muscling my way through or allowing avoidance patterns to take over.
I was home sick that day, after Wolfling had the flu for three days and I spent most of the earliest hours of the morning awake, in a mild fever, and fraught with fear and pessimism about my ability to provide for myself and my child in the years to come. I got up sometime after 9am, twiddled around the computer for a while, then took some aspirin and went back to bed. I didn't fall asleep, but eventually the headache which had plagued me all morning subsided.
I lay there in bed and realized that my energy was too jangled to sleep. I called on LM, and he helped me "comb out" the tangles -- but then I realized that it felt like my center was full of the energetic equivalent of pus. I had the unusual desire to take a spiritual knife to the place and lance myself, letting all the nastiness drain away.
Hmmm. . . . just now remembering that it's only been a few week since I felt like I was putting my guts back into that space. Maybe this is an indication of a need for additional healing around that process. . .
My phone beeped, and I found a site notification from a friend, A, asking if I was alright, because he hadn't seen me online for a while. I decided I might as well get up. I logged into chat, and one of the first things he said was that it felt to him as if I was "filled with miasma" -- which startled me. He then strongly suggested that I do a full-day cleanse.
I spent another hour or so chatting with him and another mutual friend, and then I called the instructor of a bdsm workshop for which I had volunteered to assist. It's called "Pack Attack" and is about safely staging and carrying out full-resistance hard take-downs -- a favorite scenario of mine. We talked for a while, he said he'd be happy to have me on board, and I went back to the computer feeling light and clear inside.
The change in my energy was truly striking. I resumed my conversation with A and our mutual friend C, sharing the shift, and C suggested that this would be a good for me to do some clearing. I agreed, and typed that I should go do my daily practices, including a Middle Pillar.
Immediately my energy shifted again: my head suddenly felt thick, my neck got a crick in it, and I felt a dull pressure everywhere. The overall impact was one of "No, no, no. . . Can't do it, too much. . . Dunwanna. . ."
I got up and went into my bedroom, where I do my practices -- but instead of trying to muscle my way through the exercises, which is my usual tendency, I went into meditation: to ask the resistance what its roots were, what it feared, what it wanted.
There were no answers -- but as I calmed and centered myself and faced the resistance, it slowly melted away. I wasn't quite as shiny-bright as I had been immediately after my conversation about the workshop, but the heaviness was gone. I got up and did my practice cycle and it felt good.
Then I called my teacher to tell her about the experience. We agreed that this is pretty firm support for the hypothesis that I have some kind of binding that's trying to keep me from this particular aspect of my work. We don't know where it comes from, but a past-life situation seems the most likely, that someone -- whether myself or someone(s) else -- at some point decided that it was not desireable to have me practicing ceremonial magic.
I'm intrigued and curious about the possibilities, but I'm not going to spend much energy worrying about when/why/how. My immediate task is to continue to do the work of facing my internal obstacles as they arise. When I flail and growl and get upset, they get stronger. When I sit quietly and look them in the eye, they slink away.
The challenge is remembering to stop and look them in the eye rather than muscling my way through or allowing avoidance patterns to take over.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-27 11:28 pm (UTC)I'm facing some resistance here that I need to sit with further.