For Whom?

[qos]

I've been experiencing a series of small shifts and realizations which feel rather like flakes and pebbles falling from a wall.

Just now, sitting in the break room at my temp job, it dawned on me that much of the time I've taken up tasks and/or practices there's been a sense of doing them because someone else said they were good for me -- and even after I have my own experience from which to judge, I haven't owned the practice as much as I've decided to allow myself to be further guided by the authority in question. Instead of doing a practice because *I believe* it will have a positive result on my well-being which *I want*, I continue to regard it as a discipline imposed by an external authority. And that almost always ends up resulting in resistance -- which is, among other things, an attempt by my compromised inner queen to assert her authority. In a dismayingly self-defeating, passive-aggressive manner.

This is a sobering realization, especially given my strong feelings about personal sovereignty. And as I type this, I am reminded that this was something Ereshkigal addressed in my first formal initiation: that it would be necessary for me to take complete responsibility for myself. This is something I strive for, but I'm discovering new layers and implications to it.

Hmmm. . . On reflection, sovereignty is (or could be) also an antidote to my fear of judgement. If I am *truly* sovereign of my own life, then the opinions of the phantom Others who I expect to mock and reject me will be of far less concern, because I will stop projecting authority for my life and vocation onto them and keep it for myself instead.

Comments

[erl-queen.livejournal.com]

I have found in my experience that if I go along with what They prescribe and do the practices They tell me to, it goes fine, but if I step up and proactively pursue these things, do it for myself, do it because I know it's the right way for me, then there's a noticeable difference both in effect and in my relationship with Them. (Once, when I decided to pursue oracular work as a primary path without asking or prevaricating at all, the response was, "Finally, some enthusiasm!" Guess that says it all.)

And I like your thoughts about how sovereignty could be an antidote for this.