The Struggle to Understand
Aug. 12th, 2009 11:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosx-posted
I was struggling with an emotional issue earlier this morning, and had the following insights:
1. Whatever problem or pain I'm facing, feeling like I don't understand makes it even more painful. The hurtful thing itself is layered over by stress and frustration about my lack of understanding, which often contains seeds of guilt or a sense of failure. I tend to flay myself with thoughts like If I could just understand, this wouldn't be a problem!
2. The quickest way to undercut my pride, my independence, my self of personal responsibility, is to make me believe that someone nearby understands the situation, the task, the concept, better than I do. I will turn to that person instinctively, seeking the information and understanding I lack, looking to them for leadership based on their understanding (or my perception of it). Sometimes this is a perfectly appropriate act; sometimes it is not, as my priestess teacher keeps trying to get me to understand when I ask her to tell me things I'm supposed to be figuring out by myself.
The converse is also true. Nothing is a stronger prompt to me to step up and assert myself than the belief that I understand more or better than the others present. I try to have a sense of humility when processing these perceptions. . .
Both of these insights are consistent with my Enneagram type, which is Five. The "holy idea" of the 5 is "I will understand."
This tendency toward self-affliction when I do not believe I understand certainly undermines my entrepreneurial efforts. If my sense of self-worth, my sense of confidence, my sense of fitness to lead, are strongly grounded in my sense of how well I understand what the situation is, what needs to be done, what is appropriate and called for, then going into new territory puts me at a significant handicap, one I don't yet understand how to deal with or mitigate. This, of course, triggers a cascade of self-doubt.
Friends who use Tarot may rightly suggest that the energy of the Fool card would be appropriate to this issue -- but really looking at that card with the intention of applying to my situation makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
Mentoring is probably the best solution, it suddenly occurs to me. I've been reluctant to reach out, not wanting to bother others. . . but I've also had a couple of people come to my attention recently who could be helpful in at least giving me a sense of orientation to the territory.
As far as my spiritual work goes. . . This is probably something to bring to my vigil next week. . .
I was struggling with an emotional issue earlier this morning, and had the following insights:
1. Whatever problem or pain I'm facing, feeling like I don't understand makes it even more painful. The hurtful thing itself is layered over by stress and frustration about my lack of understanding, which often contains seeds of guilt or a sense of failure. I tend to flay myself with thoughts like If I could just understand, this wouldn't be a problem!
2. The quickest way to undercut my pride, my independence, my self of personal responsibility, is to make me believe that someone nearby understands the situation, the task, the concept, better than I do. I will turn to that person instinctively, seeking the information and understanding I lack, looking to them for leadership based on their understanding (or my perception of it). Sometimes this is a perfectly appropriate act; sometimes it is not, as my priestess teacher keeps trying to get me to understand when I ask her to tell me things I'm supposed to be figuring out by myself.
The converse is also true. Nothing is a stronger prompt to me to step up and assert myself than the belief that I understand more or better than the others present. I try to have a sense of humility when processing these perceptions. . .
Both of these insights are consistent with my Enneagram type, which is Five. The "holy idea" of the 5 is "I will understand."
This tendency toward self-affliction when I do not believe I understand certainly undermines my entrepreneurial efforts. If my sense of self-worth, my sense of confidence, my sense of fitness to lead, are strongly grounded in my sense of how well I understand what the situation is, what needs to be done, what is appropriate and called for, then going into new territory puts me at a significant handicap, one I don't yet understand how to deal with or mitigate. This, of course, triggers a cascade of self-doubt.
Friends who use Tarot may rightly suggest that the energy of the Fool card would be appropriate to this issue -- but really looking at that card with the intention of applying to my situation makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
Mentoring is probably the best solution, it suddenly occurs to me. I've been reluctant to reach out, not wanting to bother others. . . but I've also had a couple of people come to my attention recently who could be helpful in at least giving me a sense of orientation to the territory.
As far as my spiritual work goes. . . This is probably something to bring to my vigil next week. . .
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-12 07:33 pm (UTC)Hitch your wagon to a star, as they say. You have gone thru initiations and processes and you have completed trainings, you have expertise in varied areas, and to connect that-which-you-do-not-yet-understand to that which is well understood, and to use your existing knowledge to give you the "leg up" you need to feel competent and willing to tackle the new.
that said, I need like hell to take my own advice in this regard, especially for my jobsearch.
Love hearing about your search and your insights.
(edited for userpic)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 02:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 08:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-12 10:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-12 10:58 pm (UTC)Thoughts...
Date: 2009-08-12 11:11 pm (UTC)The fool card alone would make an INTP like me break out in hives too because it is a blind walk off a cliff! It centers around NOT knowing. Is the fear of not understanding a fear you need to confront and overcome? Then maybe the Fool with Strength?
Sometimes understanding comes in changing the question. Someone wise once told me that asking "Why?" will make a person crazy because there can be so many different subjective interpretive factors. i.e. "Why did you do that?" "Why didn't I see that?" "Why can't I do this?"
She told me, instead to ask "How?" because that can be answered in concrete specifics. i.e. "How did you do that?" "How did I not see that?" "How CAN I do this?"
That's helped me. Your mileage may vary.
Re: Thoughts...
Date: 2009-08-12 11:47 pm (UTC)I like the idea of re-framing the question. That's come up in a couple of different contexts lately.
Another powerful for archetype for me is the Queen of Swords, and one of the implications of that is a tendency (which I try to resist) to divide things into "right" and "wrong" as far as solutions and approaches go.
Re: Thoughts...
Date: 2009-08-14 04:43 am (UTC)Queen of Swords is an intelligent, sharp witted, powerful woman though. It's not a bad thing, she cuts through the bullshit. ;-)
She comes up a lot for me, occasionally with the Queen of Cups and the High Priestess. Depends on what I need I guess?
BTW - I got your email. I've been drafting an overly long response. :-)
Re: Thoughts...
Date: 2009-08-14 12:53 pm (UTC)Looking forward to reading your email when you get it finished. ;-)